life and times of muzz [entries|friends|calendar] mikejarmuzzz [ website | My Website ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

thanksgiving... the harvard club? [27 Nov 2009|04:05pm] thanksgiving away from home... i can specifically remember one thanksgiving that i spent on tour with the format. all of us ended up having a nice dinner at a local Luby's cafeteria. Memorable to say the least. The Marko quote "There's some traditions I like to keep Muzz Man." And so... we did. I can't afford to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So... Thanksgiving was spent in New York and I'll be going back next month. Alise's family had a dinner booked at a place called The Harvard Club. This is a private club for Harvard alumni. Alise's brother in law went to harvard... joined the club and made the reservation for us. Talk about swanky. I had to get all dressed up... and I even shaved... like with a razor... I don't even remember the last time I took a razor to my face. It was super fancy and as usual we had a couple mini fights throughout the evening. Then we went to see Adam and Trang in Brooklyn. This place was pretty crazy... you know.. those old buildings that have been around for over 100 years. You start eating your dinner and look up at a fucking elephants head on the wall across from where you're sitting. one of those menus where nothing has a price on it. pretty snazzy. When you're a member of the Harvard Club... you don't need to worry about paying the bill.. They just mail it to you at the end of the month. post comment

thanksgiving away from home [26 Nov 2009|03:25am] man... I really do love the signs here in New York City. classy... really? this dude was playing in the subway. he was 106 year old Chinese man. Apparently, he's about to break in America. attention A&R people. He plays in the JMZ Canal Street station. bagel w/ lox... ???? i'd like to solve the puzzle... "is it... watch your step?" I was sitting on the couch one sunday morning and for some reason I decided to go online and try to sign up for tickets to see David Letterman. The way it works is that you pick 3 dates and if tickets are available they'll call you. I picked 3 dates that were very soon and sure enough... they called me one afternoon. In order to get the tickets you need to answer one Letterman trivia question. I didn't know the answer but luckily I was with Casey Shafer who did and told me the answer... The tickets were for Monday night and they called the Friday before. Alise couldn't go and I couldn't find anyone else to take her ticket so I ended up going by myself. I couldn't miss a chance to see my all time favorite late night host. I got down to the theater around 4:00 and got my tickets. They told me to come back at 5:15.... bummer but i killed some time and made some phone calls. I got in line and they made us wait for quite a while... Reading us the riot act for like 30 minutes. No food, no drinks, no smoking, no gun chewing, no video, no cameras, no cell phones, no bathrooms.... no bathrooms? surely the world famous ed sullivan theater... where the beatles first performed in the united states had a bathroom... apparently not... or at least not one they were going to let us use. They finally let us in and I got to my seat... it was in the balcony but there isn't a bad seat in the house. The place holds 500 people. which is really huge for a taping... usually it's a fraction of that. 500 is a rather large audience to tape in front of. There was a warm up comedian and a really funny video with letterman working a taco bell drive thru. it's pretty hilarious. The band played a few songs... and then it was showtime. Dave came out and talked to the audience for a minute or two... he asked for a few questions... He's famous for asking a few questions before the show starts and then working it into the show somehow... actually he did just that... he was talking to someone about Houston, TX and the first thing he said when he came out was "anybody ever been to Houston?" which isn't funny unless you had been in the audience while they were talking about Houston... still he lived up to the impression I had about how his show is run. Honestly, it was probably the worst episode of David Letterman that I have ever seen. Natalie Portman was the guest and some guy that used to be on American Idol was the musical act. It was a pretty boring show and the most fun was seeing Letterman in between commercial breaks. He paces around and you can only imagine whats going on inside his head... It was a great experience... I took this picture on the way out.. and people were throwing a fit about it... security was making a huge deal about how I took one freaking picture, after the show was over, on my phone... alise got us tickets to go see Bob Dylan at the United Palace Theater in Harlem. He was playing 3 nights there and she got tickets to the second night. It was awesome. he was in typical form... his voice sounded particularly low and raspy. He played guitar on two songs, so that was a real treat. The seats were great, got hammered and came home. I love Bob Dylan and probably always will. I've been to damn near every theater in the country and this place is amazing... super old... the detail work was fantastic. mud mask post comment

cubicles? [18 Nov 2009|05:20pm] zero... point... zero... that's how many apartments i have rented in new york city. it feels great to be a realtor and make all this money. boy oh boy... i'm cleaning up.... it's so easy... easy money... that's what they should call it. i should make about 2.3 million this year. ehh... it was a slow year... with the economy in a recession and all... not too bad. 2.3 million... i'll take a few days off... buy my girlfriend something special and try to top it next year. yea... i'm just taking a break from the wonderful world of real estate. i'm here in my cubicle... it says my name... in all it's glory.. "Mike Jarmuz"... right there above this very computer... wow... i can't believe it... they even gave me a phone.. with my very own extension.. extension 241... just rolls right off the tongue. my very own extension... nobody calls me... wait wait... i mean.. everyone calls me... all day... i'm buying low and selling high.... phones ringing off the hook right now... 2 bedroom on the upper east side for $1,800... yea it's chump change but i'll take my girl out for a nice dinner off that commission. the highs are high and the lows are low... i miss mississippi every day of my life.. and i probably always will. but if i left new york... i would miss this just as much. i can't leave new york for a long time. it's just too amazing. it's hard to understand why anyone would want to be anywhere else. picked up my little paycheck in brooklyn today, i should be able to spring for some drinks tonight. my girl bought us tickets to see bob dylan in harlem. the show is tonight. he's doing 3 nights up there. last 3 days of the tour. should be a great time. peeped the set list from last night and i'm glad he got all the bogus songs out of the way so he can play some jams tonight. if i hear lay lady lay... i'll kill myself. what a fucking terrible song... how was it ever a hit? then again the arrangements are all different you never know what you're hearing. I ain't never been in love before... but i'm in love now... and it's pretty scary... what if she bails on me? you know how it is? like when people are married for 17 years and then your mom takes you out to mcdonalds and explains how she is leaving your father. the ironic part being the most un-happy meal of your life... how the fuck am i expected to enjoy a happy meal with a divorce being brought to light? i never ate another happy meal again. probably for the best because they're fucking disgusting. heading back to arizona from december 15th through december 29th... how can i be away from the love of my life for so long? what the hell am i gonna do in arizona for 2 weeks. it'll be great seeing old friends... many nights at cheers... friends... i almost forgot that I had them.. where are they? i haven't seen them in so long. yet... i think about them all the time... damn near every day... i miss my friends. the weird part about new york is that you're hardly ever alone... there is always someone around... ALWAYS... ALL THE TIME... DAY... NIGHT... EVERY CORNER... EVERY ALLEY... EVERYWHERE... maybe you get a minute or two alone in your room... but you're not really alone there either... people are just outside the window... you can see them when you look outside... people are next door through a paper thin wall... HOWEVER... you can feel super alone in new york. sometimes when shit has gotcha down, you feel more alone than you've ever felt... and you wonder... where the hell are my friends? i've been wondering that lately... not like "friends" but i mean your real "FRIENDS".. speaking of friends CASEY SHAFER is coming to new york for the honorary titles last show. HELL YEA! finally... a familiar face... JESUS it's been too long... I miss casey... he comes in tomorrow night. Honorary title is calling it quits... should be an awesome show on friday night. I can't wait. Speaking of friends... the BAUMER!!! CAZ!!! CASEY BAUM is coming to new york... ahhh the memories... he was the format's touring sound engineer and a damn fine chap. he's coming for a week or so... it'll be great to catch up with him.. tell some stories... he's also an alternate for the blue man group... he nearly makes it every year... i'm pulling for ya buddy... keep at it. That's it... I guess i'll sell a few more apartments today and then go see bob dylan in 2 hours. post comment

the power of love [08 Nov 2009|07:04am] actually... huey lewis was incorrect... it does take money... and it does take fame... and it does take credit cards to ride this train.. it's strong and it's sudden... it can be cruel sometimes... but it might just save your life. that's the power of love. or like tina turner says... "what's love got to do with it?" i don't know tina, but I feel your pain. love, love, love. i don't believe it to be a coincidence but I met the girl of my dreams. i guess anyone that knows me would say "i've heard that before" and then right about now I would say "no, man... it's so different this time, it really is" and anyone who knows me would say "i've heard that before too." well this is true but honestly... this time is different. really... i met the best girl in the world. just thinking about being with anyone else makes me projectile vomit into my lap and all over this computer. i have some stuff that I need to document. It's how I feel about her and where we're at right now. Yes... it's a little weird that we met at an X-Rated Panty Party. I think that seals the deal that we're meant for each other. some people have match.com, bars, clubs, yoga classes, pumpkin patches... we met at a weird party that neither of us should have been at. Alise Ninivaggi, the woman from my dreams. what about her? why do i love her? She's the only girl on the planet who has ever been able to constantly make me laugh. seriously... she's the funniest girl I have ever met. we laugh so hard together. alise is taking classes at the upright citizens brigade and has been having fun with improvisation lately. we're going to start writing skits together and performing them whenever we can. we're so funny together and have huge laughs all the time. (except when we're fighting, which is also all the time)... She has the best taste in music and knows too much. literally... she knows too much... she knows every work to every song that has ever been written. EVERY FUCKING WORD TO EVERY FUCKING SONG. when I say every word to every song... I don't mean that she knows the words to a few songs... I mean that she knows every single word in every song, music trivia, extensive knowledge of pop culture... The night we met I asked her if she knew ringo stars real name... she said "pssssshhh... is this a joke, who doesn't." well actually a lot of people don't and i've dated plenty of girls that I was constantly educating. I'm always playing them stuff they haven't heard, explaining why it's important and preaching the Gospel of rock and roll. There's no need with her... she's too good. i met my match with this one. I love her to death and I don't ever want to be with anyone else. Her father was in a number of bands and her mother was a photographer. Together they make the coolest parents. no wonder they popped out and raised best girl in the world. I know that Alise and I will be just as great. Alise is like a damn pizza bagel... you want it all the time. alise in the morning, alise in the evening, alise at supper time.. when alise is on a bagel.. you can have alise anytime. I feel really bad because I suck at relationships. I'm like the worst... I'm actually like zero point zero on the scale of well i perform in a relationship. But, i'm trying. I've only got eyes for her and now finally I can keep it in my pants with ease. I live in the city with the most beautiful women on the planet and i'm not even acknowledging them. thank GOD... I want to be the best for her, I want to be the best that I can be... In life and in our relationship. We just had a 3 month anniversary on november 5th. I didn't fumble the ball but I didn't hit a home run either. I got her some flowers, met her after comedy class, took her to a stand up show and made her some soup when we got home. Yea, it's not a blue box from tiffany's but I didn't show up with a six pack and condoms either. We do a lot of fun stuff together. Last week we went to museum of natural history. It's super old and way famous... you know the one... from the ben stiller movie... it's been in a shit load of films... the one with the huge dinosaur bones and stuff... it's too big to see the whole place in one day... it's like the metropolitan museum.. you need a few trips to really wrap your head around it. I'm a horrible listener, I must get it from my father... who by far has the worst listening skills of anyone that I have ever met in my entire life. I know that i'm not that bad. I'm really trying with her, I want to work on it. I love her so much that I must sound like a big giant fag. I've never wanted to be so much to someone. I'll love and serve her the rest of my life, she inspires me to be a better person, she's everything that I could ever want. The highs are definitely high. What I can't seem to wrap my head around is why we fight so much. ALL THE TIME... Jesus it's like daily... FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT... about stupid stuff.. a comment, an action, what was supposed to be a joke. sometimes I get blackout drunk and that never turns out well. IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. for a while we were driving her roommate crazy with the fighting. It wasn't that bad, but definitely frequent. Sometimes it's my fault... Sometimes it's her fault... it definitely goes both ways. Are you supposed to fight constantly with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Does everyone in a relationship fight all the time? what would it mean if we didn't fight? Would that be better or worse? I can't even remember the last night I spent out in brooklyn at "my place." i'm glued to her... we're together as much as we possibly can be. I just want to be the best boyfriend that she has ever had. What do you do? especially when you aren't financially stable and are barely getting by. I wish I had loads of money and I would just try and buy her love... it's easy with money... when you need to do something nice, you can just pay for it... I can't do that right now. It sucks trying so hard because you end up googling how to be the best boyfriend on the planet and reading articles from Teen Vogue and shit like that. It's all bullshit... there is no set thing you can do to let a woman know how important she is to you. She bought me tickets to see bob dylan when he is playing in harlem. She shelled out serious money and did something super nice for me. I'm so thankful for her. She's never met any of friends... at least not my real friends... I can't wait until she does.. we almost took a 3 hour trip with john cheese to see the all american rejects and taking back sunday. I know... I'm as shocked as you are. It would have been great to see john cheese and I really wanted alise to meet him. I'm hoping that we can all get together soon. CASEY SHAFER IS COMING TO NEW YORK FOR A FEW DAYS. I'm pumped... C-Way in the house... that's my man... Honorary Title is playing their last show and C-Way is flying in. Should make for really, really good times. I can't wait. Speaking of good times, I have an offer to co-manage a bunch of bands with a super nice guy and old friend. I'm considering it. It's what I do best... Why can't I pick a career? It sucks wanting to do everything and not wanting to do ONE THING. If I stick to real estate, I'll start making big dollars soon. It's a job that suits my lifestyle... you make your own schedules, work when you want.. and it's not even hard.. it's just a rat race of finding someone an awesome place to live. It's a pretty sweet gig if you can pimp it. On the other hand,I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to get back into the music business and partner a management company with a great guy. I can always do real estate, but I can't always do this. Alise Ninivaggi, I love you so much. 2 comments|post comment

8 months in new york and im still alive [01 Nov 2009|02:55pm] [ mood | high ] Signs... Signs... Everywhere Signs... Do this, don't do that... can't you read the signs? Well... I can read the signs, you can read the signs, but can the people who make the signs read the signs? Just one of the AMAZING and timeless aspects of New York are these beloved signs found all over the city. It's always been like this, ever since the melting pot was created. People from other countries, trying to make it, trying to make signs and ultimately this is what you've got. I hope this is one aspect of New York that never changes. ok fine, i understand "no work"... simple, easy and to the point. This is in the Chinese laundry business across the street from my place in Brooklyn. ahhhh... a classic New York City sign. The street vendor. Oh, he struggles with words like "pretzel"... yet all he does all day is sell pretzels. He's been selling pretzels for 35 years. He put 2 kids through college selling pretzels. Jesus man! Get it together. this guy is great. he's a "bitchin" saxophone player and his CD comes with a quality "GUARNTEE" well... nothing misspelled here... what you see is what you get. just let it be known that these signs are all over the city. in the subways, above ground... NYC rats are crazy. People that have never experienced new york, wonder if the stories about subway rats are true. They most certainly are... and I've seen some rats that are bigger than my feet... and i've got really big feet.. sam used to call them "muzz talons" back when we used to tour... i miss tour. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? In midtown, a perfume shop decided to up their display and post a sign on their window... I'm still trying to figure out what this drawing is and why it might make me go inside and buy some cologne. ask yourself this question... "if i had a store and I was making a sign... would it look anything like this? my answer is probably not... interesting... very interesting... i love new york not sure how i feel about this... then again... at least it's spelled correctly plain and simple... there are just too many of these to photograph in new york city. It's so hard for me to comprehend that these hand written signs are so standard. Does anyone own a printer? These signs have been up for over 10 years... You would think someone could make a microsoft word document and post something that looks professional. then again, i'm glad it's like this and i hope it never changes. p.s what is a FIRST KIT ANYWAYS? wait... how much is one banana? special price ever... classic... brilliant.. only in new york... well.. maybe in mississippi but i didn't see any. in case you didn't know... this is NOT how jewelry is correctly spelled. ok... ok... this guy knows how to spell jewelry.. but he doesn't know how to spell FASHION. oh don't worry he's on 33rd Street and 6th Ave every day. please note the friendly faces he drew inside the 0's. I told him about the sign... but he didn't seem to be bothered by it... or even understand what I was trying to explain. wheeeeeew... that's a relief... I thought this was all they had. people will buy anything in midtown. ummmm... ok this is what a typical NYC menu looked like in 1975 and 2009 AMAZING. what sets this apart from the others... is someone actually professionally produced this sign... this is NOT handmade. The owner of the store saw me taking the picture and asked if I liked the sign.. I told him, indeed I do... he said if I ever needed one he could have one made for me. Wait, did Fat Joe make this? Did Fat Joe and Psyko Steve collaborate on this? i can't even read this sign.. i think nick mendoza can Duh... if anyone needs a graphic designer... it's definitely this dude. if you do want dope... delivered to your house... i know a guy... tee hee hee... gone away... i made this sign and i made those too +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was coming down the stairs of donnie's building one morning and this is what I saw. It's nothing totally out of the ordinary but this picture poses so many questions. Could he just not make it any further? Did he fall? Did he pass out? Did he eat all those chips? Where did he get the chips? Does he even live in the building? I saw this guy the following day and asked him these questions... He didn't have any answers. He said he remembered nothing. He didn't even remember waking up in the stairwell. I told him I had the photograph to prove it. This sums up living in Williamsburg and being young enough to enjoy it. Although when I saw him, he looked pretty haggard. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ever been there? it's in harlem... around columbia university. my mom came and visited me a few months ago. my ex girlfriend couldn't take a picture worth a damn. if you are a band manager or run a record label... please do me a favor and sign this guy. ok.. ok... he may not look like much... but he really packs a punch. he's light years ahead of his time.. and he's light years behind the times... he's from the future and the past... he might be an alien.. if you're lucky... you can catch him around the union square area... the museum of modern art is amazing. you could spend an entire day there and probably still not see it all. it's ridiculous and inspiring. this guy is named "SPIDER." He is the oldest taxi driver in New York City. He is 90 years young and still driving a yellow cab. I managed to get some great stories out of him like the time a guy straight up dropped dead in the back of his taxi. Someone needs to interview him before he leaves this world. The man is a true piece of history and one of a kind. oh... this guy... LORD please help this guy... I mean.. he's harmless and all... but wow... what an interesting guy... #1... he smokes cigarettes through his nose because he says they hurt his throat...???... #2... he is always dressed shocking... and this is mild compared to some days that i've seen him. #3... he will sit and tell you how he is a genius. #4... we had to throw him out of the coffee shop for doing yoga in the bathroom. my days at the coffee shop sometimes start with seeing this guy. it's a good indication of how the rest of my day will go. He has so many weird catch phrases. If you hang around the Morgan stop off the L train... one day you'll see him. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TENDING BAR! The wonderful and exciting world of being a BARTENDER. Oh man... I've always wanted to be a bartender. This is an exclusive club... not just anyone can be brought into this special profession. Yea... I watched Tom Cruise flip bottles in cocktail and figured I could do the same. PS.. flipping bottles around is not that easy. a friend of mine got me a job... i have no experience and it's a miracle... this was my first tip. i still have the dollar saved in the "money corner" of my room. yea I still practice feng shui. it doesn't make sense because i'm broke as all hell... but I still practice it. I got two bar jobs at two very different bars. One is a lounge off the Marcy/JMZ & Lorimer/L train in Williamsburg. It's a BAR BAR... A nice place... a few pinball machines... nothing too special... just a straight up BAR. It's called the SATELLITE LOUNGE. the only cool thing about this place was the 5 pinball machines that it had. Who doesn't love pinball? The fact that they had a working original "TAXI" machine is crazy. I used to play this game at Valley West Mall with my Dad when I was like 10 years old. The other bar was a SUPER HERO/COMIC BOOK THEMED bar in Bushwick... yea... Bushwick... I'm talking straight up Biggie Smalls type shit... you know what I'm saying... This place is just about as shocking as shocking can get. It's funny now that I can look back on it. tee hee hee.. the girl on the right is my girlfriend... i've sat and listened to MANY shocking conversations in this bar. What super hero could crush other super heros in an all out apocalyptic battle. How wolverine was not accurately portrayed in the x-men movies. How Gambit is seriously the most underrated X-Man. How Magic The Gathering is the greatest game on planet Earth. It's been a weird and wild ride to say the least. I did this the whole time I was getting my real estate license. I had to pick my battles and eventually quit the Gotham City Lounge... However... If you are dead broke and want the cheapest drinks in town... you should check it out. $3 FOR A PABST BLUE RIBBON AND A SHOT OF WHISKEY... ALL DAY/ALL NIGHT... $1 PBR on Tuesday nights... It's a cheap place to drink... and overall a pretty weird scene... As far as the other bar goes... well that's another story. now... i know that i'm good at one thing for certain... that is promotion. I tried so hard to help this struggling bar owner. He didn't want any help... and here I am... serving drinks to nobody in a mostly empty bar. It's frustrating. He eventually screamed "I've been doing this for 25 years... don't tell me how to promote..." He followed that by screaming "if you tell me what to do again, I'm going to slap you in the face." and all the while... i'm in an empty bar thinking "this guy has lost his mind." It was a night shift and somewhere in the middle of it my girlfriend stopped by to say "hi." The owner and I just got into a huge fight about how I wanted to help him promote and he stormed off. I was in the empty bar serving my girlfriend drinks and she came up with an interesting idea... "How about you just leave right now" "this place doesn't deserve you" "you're trying to help this poor guy and this isn't worth your time" she was right... this wasn't worth my time. he was an asshole and as much as I wanted to be a bar tender, this was super bogus. So I did something I've never done before. I straight up bailed. I just walked out of the empty bar and went home. I've never done anything like this before, it's not my nature to quit in this fashion. But it had to be done. As I was running down the street with my girlfriend, all I could hear in my head was Me and Julio down by the school yard... The owner never called me... I've never been back there... I feel bad about quitting the way that I did... but I could have made that bar the coolest place on the planet... the owner wouldn't let me.. It's his loss. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ the view from brooklyn the street that I live on People sit on the street, drink booze and play dominos for money. They also take it very very seriously. This is strictly a Brooklyn/Queens thing. I've never seen it in Manhattan. Maybe somewhere in Harlem? NYC graffiti is so fucking amazing. This isn't as good as the stuff I've seen in Queens, but it's still awesome. People are serious about graffiti out here. my local bodega... this guy keeps it real.. you call him "poppy" it's puerto rican slang for "dude." you say "heyyyyyya poppy." when you call a car service in brooklyn and give them your address they always say "five minute poppy... five minute." don't forget about this guy... he's a dime a dozen in new york... he's all over the place.. he'll sell you anything you need to get through your day. He's just trying to make it in this country like the rest of us. just like the movies people actually hang their clothes like this ooh ooh ooh... this is where I live... it's a brownstone building. I've been staying at my girlfriends place for so long that I can't remember the last time I actually slept here. I guess I just come here once a week to water the plants and feed my turtles. yes... I still drive a new york city taxi.. not much... but when I need cash... mostly just saturday and sunday... unless I get too drunk and then it's a crap shoot. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ KARAOKE... Karaoke is super fun.. I know some people hate on it and that's their preference but it is what you make it. You can go out for a karaoke night and have fun or you can be a big dumb faggot and not have a good time. There is a place on St. Marks street called sing sing and with the right amount of alcohol, anyone can have a good time. I signed up to do "you really got me" and my girlfriend did the classic "gin and juice." I have the greatest girlfriend in the world. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Ollie Tamale in New York City? Good old Ollie... I love Ollie... Yes I in fact do have her V-Card... It's the only one I have. But nevertheless she'll be my friend for life. What a great person with great energy. She left Arizona years ago and never looked back. She was in town meeting with her manager and doing some recording. It was great seeing her. A night of good eats and lots of booze... a few bars into the evening and we winded up back at Alise's place for a spliffy mc splifferson. somehow when you're stoned... you think the silliest things are the best idea... like prank calling sam means... tee hee hee... we also did some weird stuff with a michael jackson doll... not sure what we were thinking... it made sense then... not too much now... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ i went to real estate school... I passed the school exam... I passed the state exam.. I got hired by citi habitats... I went through a week of training... I am now a licensed realtor in new york city... new york real estate institute now that I am hired... you can check out my listings at the following link... MIKE JARMUZ'S REAL ESTATE LISTINGS... my picture still isn't up and I haven't written a bio yet... but... I worked all week on this crap... I specialize in east village apartments. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ HALLOWEEN... My first HALLOWEEN in new york city... Dude... I was so pumped. I remember how crazy the city got for the 4th of July... I could only imagine that it would be insane for Halloween. It was insane. This is the best city in the world... no doubt about it. There is a crazy parade that anyone can join... it goes on for hours... Everywhere... Everyone looks crazy all night long. It's insane. I was so amped up for halloween. I drove a taxi earlier in the day and after I dropped it off... I was glad to be done and ready to party. I'm the type of guy that waits until the absolute last minute to get a costume for halloween. It's always been that way. On top of that, I am super broke right now. When I say super broke, I mean that I can barely afford to put food in my mouth... let alone shell out $50 for a costume. Well Well Well... my girlfriend bought a french maid costume and after she made the purchase... someone in her office gave her a french maid costume... what does that mean? it means that she has 2 french maids costumes and I didn't have anything to wear... yea... that's right... I WORE A FRENCH MAID OUTFIT FOR HALLOWEEN. It was absolutely shocking. Good thing im comfortable with my sexuality. Besides... I've wanted to experiment with cross dressing for quite some time... this was my excuse. We went to Steve Tramposch's house for a while... hung out there and then met up with some of his peeps on the street... next thing you know... wandering around... we ended up in the freaking parade.. I got too drunk as usual and I guess I fell asleep in the taxi. My girlfriend took care of the rest. Interesting first halloween... I'm gonna have to make up for it next time around... or maybe for new years eve.. ok... well that was earlier in the night... somehow it turned into this... not sure what happened... not sure how any of it happened... but I was shocked the next day when I saw the pictures. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ post comment

6 months in new york [03 Sep 2009|10:29am] today i woke up at my girlfriends apartment.... she lives in what's known as the bargain district on ludlow and grand street. Pretty awesome neighborhood on the lower east side. Tons of history around these parts. It's traditionally been an immigrant, working class neighborhood. Some of the earliest Dutch settlers moved into these buildings. The tenement museum is right around the corner. She just moved in a few weeks ago and the place still has a "just moved in" vibe going on. I've been with Alise for a about 2 months... and it's been awesome. This morning she went off to her job making babies clothing at Ralph Lauren and I stayed behind at her apartment. I had some stuff to take care of on my computer and I'm not feeling too great. I don't have to be at work until 5:00 anyways. Time has been flying since I landed here in New York town. I remember 4 months in Mississippi seemed like 10 years. But 6 months in New York seems like 2 weeks. It's crazy how fast paced it is out here. There really is no place like New York. I've come to the conclusion that as long as I'm living in the United States... I'm going to be living in New York. There's a reason the city is called "the greatest city in the world." Tulsa, Oklahoma doesn't have the nickname "greatest city in the world." Neither does Tucson, Arizona or Reno, Nevada. New York really and truly is the greatest. I feel weird calling myself a New Yorker... I'm not a New Yorker... But I'm getting there. It's more a state of mind than anything else. This city will toughen you up. It ain't easy living here. New York will test you and see what you're made of. The highs are high and the lows are low. Seriously. It's a living, breathing, city that is ALIVE. It's like any other living thing that you have a relationship with. Sometimes you're getting along great and sometimes you hate each others guts. When New York hates you... it really hates you and it certainly lets you know. But... if you are strong enough to survive... it starts to love you... and when it starts loving you... you just feel incredible. There's a reason people say "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." All of these old, timeless and unique sayings are no coincidence. If you can make it here... I'm sure you really can make it anywhere. When I say "make it".... I'm not just talking about paying your bills. It's much more than that. There's a lot more to "making it" in new york than just paying your bills. It's the hustle, the weather, the people, the lifestyle, the nightlife... the fact that it's an incredibly densely populated city... but sometimes you feel so alone... sometimes you can't find a place to be alone. you're never alone... unless you are independently wealthy... you live with 4 other people... share one bathroom... and it's hard to find a place to truly be alone... I've yet to find solitude in the 6 months that I've been here... Yea.. sometimes your roommates aren't home... but the walls can be paper thin sometimes... you open your window and the sounds of the city never stop... there's always people outside, walking dogs, trains going by, cars, buses, lunatics, it's just non stop craziness... that's why it's also called the city that never sleeps.... because no matter what time it is... there are always millions of people... out... doing whatever they want... living their dreams... in the greatest city in the world. Everyone here is beautiful.... they're artists of some kind... poets, writers, actors, musicians, film editors, students, and just awesome. Everyone is awesome. Everyone comes here to find themselves and follow their dreams. Maybe they find it... maybe they fail... but they never regret coming to new york. LIFE IS BETTER HERE.... everything is New York is better. It's a fact... there's a reason 20 million people are jammed into this incredibly small city. Now that I think about it... I haven't seen a FUCKING mountain in 6 months. AND I DON'T MISS IT. My mountain is the empire state building... it's the chrysler building, it's the trump world tower and the united nations building... these are my mountains... the east river, the brooklyn bridge... these are my mountains... This city is not for the weak... that's one of the reasons I love it so much. Every single person in New York City loves New York City and WANTS TO BE HERE. You have to love it... People back home in Phoenix talk about how much they hate it... how much they don't want to be here... NOBODY OUT HERE TALKS ABOUT HOW THEY HATE IT AND DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. You're in New York because you WANT TO BE IN NEW YORK. It's just that simple. If they didn't want to be here... they would move to Lexington, Kentucky and live cheap... life in the slow lane... it's an easy ride out in suburbia. It ain't easy here. 6 Months ago, March 3rd, 2009... I landed in New York... I immediately lost all my money in the stock market... couldn't find a job and was sleeping on my friends floor. But I didn't give up. Pretty soon I found a job... I worked hard... I saved my money... I built my bankroll back up... I did all sorts of partying, messed around with chicks from all over the world, learned about the american revolutionary war, the history of our country, the history of new york... and fell in love with the city. I was in love with it the day I got here. I went through 2 months of "shit" to get my taxi license... Started driving... Got a real good understanding of New York... Learned the streets, and finally now I feel like I have a basic grasp of the city. It's hard getting a feel for the city on foot... You're like a mole in the subway... You know certain stops... but how does it all tie together. That's what you learn from driving a cab. I know Broadway bottom to top... East Village, West Village, Chelsea, Meat Packing, Greenwich Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side, Chinatown, Little Italy, Financial District, Harlem.... and that's just to name a few... each neighborhood has distinct characteristics and it's own thing going on. You can't take all that in just walking around or by riding public transportation. I'm sure you can.... if you live here for 20 years... but I wanted to learn as much as I could... as quick as I could... and that's why I started driving a taxi. I did all sorts of other crazy shit... I became an ordained minister in the universal life church... I obtained a Doctor of Divinity certificate. I only did it because Hunter S. Thompson had the same credentials. I can marry people, baptize, preach, start a church, and do all sorts of other crazy spells and shit. I also studied and got my notary public license. It's kind of funny... but I can notarize documents and I think it's cool. I had to read the 30 page book and pass the state administered test. I just got my stamp and embosser a week ago. If you need something notarized... I'm your man. I got a job in a coffee shop and learned the art of barista. I love coffee and I knew nothing about it before. Now I feel like I'm a connoisseur and you appreciate the product and people who work in the industry a whole lot more after doing it yourself. I was living with my ex girlfriend on the upper east side and I learned a lot from that relationship. She was a true New Yorker born and raised. A fucking crazy lunatic... but still a New Yorker. It was a whole different vibe but I'm glad I had a chance to experience it. It's relationships like those that make you realize exactly what you don't want. I delivered Thai food on a bicycle for a day... That was a trip. I have a whole new respect for anyone who delivers anything on a bicycle. Especially food... It's a crazy job. Especially when you are working for crazy asian people who are pretty much openly racist. I only did it for a day but it was definitely an experience that I won't forget. Working at the coffee shop is pretty much Jr. bar tending. I always wanted to be a bar tender but it's damn near impossible without loads of experience. This guy always comes into the coffee shop and I knew he was a bar tender. I'm always giving him shit about how I can't get a bar job because I've never bar tended. One day he came in and said... "my bar has a shitty happy hour shift that nobody wants to work, you won't make a lot of money but it'll be great experience." I told him I would do whatever it takes to get my foot in the door. He said he'd let me know and I didn't hold him to it. A couple days later he told me to come down and meet the owner. I wasn't nervous for some reason. I was just straight and honest with him. I've never bar tended but I'm ready to learn. The bar had only been open for 3 months but the owner is pretty famous in the New York bar scene. He's owned multiple bars in New York but most notably was the Luna Lounge. The Strokes and Interpol both played their first shows there and Elliot Smith basically lived there. He wrote most of XO hanging out there. Luna never had a cover and loads of bands played there over the years. When the lease expired... some crazy shit went down and they lost the building. The owner loves the music business and he drove a taxi for a year... just for fun. This guy and I got along great. He loves my music business history and the fact that I'm driving a taxi. He didn't bullshit me... he said it would be insane to get a new york bar tending job without 3 years new york bar tending experience... he said it would be DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE getting a New York bar tending job without a good amount of bar tending experience... and He said IT WOULD BE A FUCKING MIRACLE TO GET A NEW YORK BAR TENDING JOB IF YOU'VE NEVER STOOD BEHIND A BAR BEFORE. He asked if I was ready for a miracle and told me that he would start to "break me in." I couldn't believe it. New York was really starting to like me. This was like a total gift. Since then... I've been training with my friend Lance and he's been showing me the ropes. I still haven't worked a shift by myself but next week I should be good to go. This other guy who comes into the coffee shop owns a bar out in Bushwick... It's not far from my house... I told him I had experience... (yea, it's a lie but not really.. because I was learning at the other bar and starting to feel more comfortable). Yesterday was my first shift alone at The Gotham City Lounge. It's under the M train at the central stop. I'm there 4 days a week from 3:00-8:00 pm. The drinks are super cheap but the bar needs some promotion. I told the owner I would make a flier and start doing my thing. A shot and a beer is $3.... ANYTIME... that's insane... during my shift... PBR'S are only $1... There's no reason why the place shouldn't be packed every day. My 6 month anniversary... I've got 2 bar tending jobs, a license to drive a taxi, a notary public stamp and embosser, im an ordained minister with Doctor of Divinity certificate (I can also legally use the title Reverend Michael Jarmuz), I still work one day a week at a chill coffee shop and I feel like I belong here. One Month ago (exactly) I moved in with a Dominican family in Bushwick. I've been on Donnies floor/couch for 5 months and I'm eternally grateful for his generosity. I've promised myself that one day I'll be in the position to help someone get on their feet in New York and I'll totally repay that karmic debt. That's what it's all about. It was time to move out of Donnies. It sucks having to pay "rent" and not just be the dude that pays the utilities and buys food. Nevertheless, I'm crazy about feng shui and my life is pretty much a whirlwind. I believe it's because I don't have my own space to call home. This guy Mike owns a gallery on the same block as the coffee shop. He offered me a basement room in his brownstone. It's dirt cheap... believe me... DIRT CHEAP. Finally... my own place... my own door... my own walls... it's about time. I shook his hand... Paid 2 months rent... called a car service... and moved everything I had for the cost of $8.00. It's pretty great how moving stuff works in new york... if you can fit it all in a car or suv... call the car service and load it up. pretty cool. oh... and I bought 2 turtles from a mexican woman on the street. so all and all... i guess you can say.. life is awesome... today is my 6 month anniversary and i'm loving life. I'd like to extend a personal invitation to anyone back in arizona... or anywhere else... that wants to come to new york but is too scared or doesn't have the balls to make a drastic move.... One of the best decisions I've ever made was moving to New York City. The bottom line is that LIFE IS BETTER OUT HERE. I just want to say that you can stay with me... and I'll help you get it together... im still getting it together... but i feel like i have it together enough to extend an invitation to come visit/move to the greatest city in the fucking world. 3 comments|post comment

mail order bride? [08 Aug 2009|06:23pm] well.... ever heard of mail order brides? everyone has. do they really exist? what's the catch? I was looking through the village voice... the weakerthans are coming but i'll be missing it because of the asian adventure. i also love ads in the back where they print "healthy heroin users needed?" where are the healthy heroin users? who are they? the dudes that just shoot a little smack on the weekends? the people who don't steal all their friends shit to buy more dope? and just what do you plan to do with these healthy heroin users? sounds like a scam... don't worry because they also need "healthy cocaine addicts" maybe that floats your boat... then i see that they need people for a marijuana study... i called the number and here's the deal... you have to live in an NYU lab for 12 days... and can't have any contact with the outside world... they pay you $1,000 when you're done. you are required to smoke weed for the first 6 days and the last 6 are optional. after you smoke weed... they want you to solve puzzles on a computer for a few hours... i turned it down and told them i wasn't interested... then a few hours later... it hit me... THIS IS THE COOLEST IDEA EVER... no contact with the outside world... bring a guitar... pen, paper... do whatever you want... BUT NOBODY BOTHERS YOU... get super stoned off some government weed and play Oregon Trail on the computer... or math blaster... or whatever... then play guitar or write while being super baked... and then... when the time is up... leave with a tax free $1,000 check... ??? WHY THE FUCK DID I PASS THIS UP... I called them back and left a message but I still haven't heard from them. I guess I missed my chance. Anyways... I glance down and see an ad that says "Russian Mail Order Brides" and has a (212) area code. I would have never called if it was a 1-800 number. But a NYC area code makes me think they might have a local office... What type of outfit am I dealing with here? Who are these people? What kind of weirdness can I get myself into? I called the number and a human being answered the phone. Yes... A russian woman answered the phone. Her name was Milah... I told her I was very interested in a Russian mail order bride and that I was eager to book an appointment. Or consultation or introduction or whatever you want to call it... Let's see what these chicks are all about... Is this a scam? I asked her on the phone... she assured me that it wasn't a scam and that she's made many russian girls american dreams come true. She took my name and told me to come see her at 2:00 pm on the following afternoon. Their office was located in midtown. I went down to midtown for my 2:00 pm appointment. I didn't tell my roommates or anyone what I was up to. I know what I'm doing... but others can get the wrong idea when you tell them that you have an appointment at a russian mail order bride office in midtown. I was a few minutes late and i took the elevator up to the 15th floor. when i got out... i saw a printed piece of paper with the words "INTERNATIONAL DATING CONNECTION" in times new roman font... it was taped on a door that was half open. I knocked on the door and a Russian dude who was like 13 feet tall opened it... He was like a cross between Vlade Divac and the wizard of oz. I walked inside and sat down. He told me that Milah was on the phone but she would be with me in a minute. He left the room and I was all alone. The weirdness started when I took a good hard look around the office. By the way it was possibly the smallest office that I've ever been in... ever... hands down... like the room you slept in when you were a kid... I take a good hard look around... and I notice that there is some REALLY BIZARRE ART HANGING ON THE WALLS. I mean... really weird. like an eyeball that's half eye and half boob. or like a unicorn but the unicorn horn is really gigantic penis. weird boobs and vaginas swirling around an hour glass... I kept thinking... Is that a weird boob eyeball? Is that a vagina hourglass? Is that a unicorn penis flying over a sand dune? Just what sort of office have I walked into? What type of people am I dealing with here? Just when I start losing my mind... Milah walks in the room and tells me that she is ready to see me now... I sit down and in her "office"... I can't help but notice that there is even more bizarre art hanging. LIKE A GIGANTIC CLOCK/BOOB with PENIS hands telling the time. It's really hard to focus on obtaining my new russian bride with all this weird art staring me in the face. It's one of those things where I don't want to look but it's hard to look away. Milah immediately opens the conversation with "what do you think of my art?" Not... hello... how are you... how did you hear about us? what do you know about russian culture or russian brides... STRAIGHT UP... "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY ART?" I don't want to offend her... so I play it cool and say "wow... it's interesting..." "I really like the unicorn..." She says "it is my husbands work.... he's going to be very famous soon" The Russian accent was amazing... she must have smoked about 300 cigarettes a day... and she was so pumped about her husbands erotic art... anyways... i bet she was a real freak in bed... anyways... I told her that I am interested in a russian/european mail order bride and she starts quizzing me. How old are you? What do you do for a living? Where do you live? Where were you born? What are you looking to get out of this relationship? I answered the questions truthfully and to the best of my ability. She reached around behind her and pulled a book off the shelf. There were tons of these books... lined up like encyclopedias. It was basically a scrapbook or photo album sort of thing you can get at any walgreens. I start flipping through the pages and it's basically just polaroid pictures of women. no names... no info... no hobbies... no birth dates... just random polaroids of russian and european women stuck in a photo album from walgreens... I find this pretty primitive... I mean come on! Ever heard of the fucking internet? Im sitting in this midtown office going through a family photo album... GIVE ME A BREAK! I'TS CALLED THE INTERNET... GET IT TOGETHER. All the girls in the book already lived in New York City but they weren't American citizens. Some of the girls were old... some were young... some were really hot... some were not so cute... I was baffled by this womans business and I may have offended her... I've been known to stick my foot in my mouth and accidentally piss people off. I was hammering her about her business... how does she keep the doors open? why doesn't she have a website with the girls pictures on it. She says "honey, i been doing dis for long time... i know my business... you need woman... i have women... women need man... i have men... men see me... how i stay open?... you are here aren't you?" Well.... I guess the old broad had me on that one, I was sitting in her office, flipping through her books and asking all sorts of questions... When push came to shove... I said "can I go on a date with this girl?" I pointed and showed Milah the picture. Milah said "ahhhh... Margarita is her name... she is 27 and lives in Brooklyn." Milah took a look at me and said... "listen... you seem like nice kid... but I don't think you can handle this.... dis not for you." I said "what are you talking about, im ready to go and I want my russian bride?" "Even if it wasn't meant to be my future bride... it all starts with a date... can I take her out, or what?" Milah said... "we want successful men... doctors, lawyers, business people.... people who are established... wealthy, own their own business... and ready to settle down." I said "you're denying me my russian bride?" Milah said "for now... this is best." I made a speech about how it doesn't matter what you do for a living and if it was meant to be then it would be... Maybe one of these girls would fall in love with me and not care that I wasn't wealthy or established... I mean c'mon... love is love... no matter what you do for a living... Milah paused for a while and said.... "maybe... but I have to look out for my girls." This sounds like a bunch of gold digging bitches out to hook a big fish... I guess according to the INTERNATIONAL DATING SERVICE... I was a small fish... a guppy... maybe not even a guppy... maybe I was whatever the guppies eat... It really sucks being denied a Russian/European mail order bride... but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles... It kind of makes me want to go out, make lots of money... and show Milah what old Muzzy is made of. I'll get that Russian bride... come hell of high water. I made my feelings perfectly clear by stating that "I would not refer any my friends or co-workers to this dating service.... nor speak very highly of my experience." I also wanted to tell her that her husbands art was fit for a freak show but didn't want to endanger myself. I left with my tail between my legs but she gave me a business card on the way out. I'll keep the card for the rest of my life... it looks like one of those home made business cards that was printed on a bubble jet cannon in 1996. Seriously... with the crappy perforations around the edge... I'll keep it as a souvenir of the experience and motivation to make something of myself in this world.... post comment

Russian & Turkish [06 Aug 2009|03:00pm] Wow... Well... Russian and Turkish bathhouse. I originally saw this in the movie rounders. But... the place actually exists. Opened in 1892..... same location... same people... same shit... wow... in the east village... on 10th street... you go... you pay $30... you stay as long as you want... and it's a crazy experience. I've been wanting to do it for a long time. Today was the day. I went in... because I quit smoking cigarettes and I wanted to "sweat all the toxins out." That's what you've got to do when you quit the cigarette. DUH. at least that's what I was told. I got there... and it was everything that I expected. Crazy Russian dude named Boris at the counter when you walk in... He's totally on the phone and not paying any attention to me. I take a look around the "lobby" at framed pictures, articles and all the crap that you can collect when your business has been open for 116 years. You would be surprised by the amount of articles and pictures you can collect in that amount of time. Behind me there is a restaurant area with a crazy old Russian lady wearing a hair net. She sizes me up but knows that I'm too scared to order anything and she absolutely can tell that this is my first time. I look at the menu and it's authentic to the max.... what else do you expect from NYC and AMERICAS oldest Russian and Turkish bath. This is no tourist trap.... this is the real deal. This is not a "nice" "spa." This isn't where people go to get pampered. Then I realized that I was in for some hardcore shit.... Finally Boris wraps up his phone call and throws a lock box at me... he says "put you valuables in here." I did what I was told and then he handed me a key. The bath house is open every day from noon to 10:00 pm. Most days it's co-ed.... Sometimes it's women only... sometimes it's men only... on co-ed days bottoms are mandatory but tops are optional. I'm always pretty pumped about the chance at some frontal nudity sightseeing. I walked into the mens locker room and changed. They give you shorts, towel and robe. This is not a Holiday Inn towel or robe... This robe looks and feels like it's from 1892. I head downstairs to get down to business and see what this place was all about. There are many different rooms... The dry sauna, the russian crazy gnarly room, aromatherapy room, steam room, cold pool, showers, sun deck, etc.... I started in the dry sauna. There was one other dude in there and he was drinking a beer. Pretty weird. Im trying to get the toxins out of my system and this guy is literally sweating alcohol... who wants to drink a beer in a 200 degree sauna? that doesn't sound good... call me crazy... i don't know. I started asking questions about the business and about the history of the bath house. Where did the custom come from? who was the first to sweat for pleasure? i've also heard about the native american sweat lodges... they basically sweat so hard that they trip their faces off... dude... im sweating and tripping my balls. anyway... he explained that the room i was in was the mildest. it was a good way to start the session. he also told me that the business has been operating in the same spot and doing the same shit for 116 years. Al Capone used to frequent the establishment. Back then... all the workers were deaf so he could talk freely. the history of the bath house for the Romans and Greeks was for men to "talk business." If you had business to discuss with another man... it was common for both of you to go into a bath house... relax, think and talk business. I can't wait until I have some major business to discuss with someone and we can take a few hours out of the day... go to the bath house... and work a deal... It is very relaxing. It's good for your skin and great for your body. It's healthy to sweat out a bunch of bullshit. Plus the conversation and characters that hang out at a bath house make the experience worth while. This dude faded his beer and bailed. I stayed in the dry sauna for a little while longer and when I couldn't take anymore I got out for a minute. I was resting on a bench in the basement and a guy came around and offered me some kind of treatment. He was totally Russian and spoke with a thick accent. What I gather was this... This guy pours olive oil all over you and then beats the shit out of you with leaves. It's a tree branch leave thing and he beats your skin. It also takes place in the crazy Russian room which is by far the hottest room in the place. I told him I would think about it and I wasn't sure. He told me that there was one going on in the Russian room and I could see what it was all about. I agreed and walked in there. I'd never been in the Russian room and it was literally hotter than hell. I can't imagine how hot hell can get... but this has to be the closest thing. I sit down... and I take a look around... There is a guy laying on a bench and another dude whacking his back with a bunch of leaves... then he dumps a bucket of ice cold water on the dudes head... ice fucking cold... are you kidding me? it's like total shock. im sitting there trying to comprehend what is going on around me... when the guy next to me gets up... goes to the well... fills a bucket of water and dumps it on his head. That's what the whole thing is about... it's about being hot to the point where want to die and then freezing your ass off for about 10 seconds... they do it all day... I was frightened of the bucket and cold water... it doesn't look like fun... then you talk to the people who have been coming to this place for 25 years and they tell you it's "better than sex" or "better than any drug you can do." They swear by it. I ain't no chicken... I filled up a bucket and dumped this freezing cold water on me.... words cannot describe the shock. For the record... It was not better than any drug i've done... and not better than sex... they say I need to do it a few times and it's way better if I jump in the pool. Pool? Did someone say pool. I saw this pool downstairs and just figured it was a normal pool. WRONG... this is what's called a cold pool. The pool is kept freezing cold and people jump in right when they can't possibly take anymore heat. I couldn't handle it. Yea it's my first time... yea the hardcore dudes laughed when they heard me scream after dumping the bucket of freezing water on my head... but no way was I going to jump in this freezing pool. I took a chill pill and went upstairs to the sun deck. They give massages upstairs and some other treatments also. I sat under the sun and had a great conversation with some middle age actor. He's been coming to the bath house for about 10 years. The sun deck is a place to take a nap... smoke cigarettes... smoke weed... drink your beer... socialize... whatever... there were people doing all of the above on the deck. I couldn't believe people were smoking pot out in the open... They said the place has been around for so long that nobody messes with them... and that's just the way it was around there. You can bring your joints and nobody will hassle you. I didn't smoke because my head was already to spun from this experience. I hung for a while and started getting hungry. My crazy russian woman was still behind the counter and she knew that I was hungry this time. Geez... everyone must be hungry because everybody is walking around stoned all day... even the freaking employees. I ordered two meatless appetizers. some grape leave thing and some bread thing. they both were delicious... you don't pay until the end of the day... they just add it to your locker number. They sell beer but I wasn't feeling like drinking. Im trying to sweat all the bad shit out of me. I went back downstairs and to make a long story short... I spent time in all the rooms... chilled with all the random characters that frequent this place... and then the bizarre-o struck like a bolt of lightning. Im in a sauna with about 3 or 4 other people. They're telling stories of how things used to be around the bath house. People running around naked, parties, all sorts of craziness..... and up until 2001... they called them the "good old days." The guy looked at me and said "too bad you weren't here then kid... he said... you know the massage rooms upstairs? I said "yes." He said you didn't just get a massage... there were smoking hot Russian and European chicks that would do all sorts of crazy stuff. It was basically a chilled out brothel upstairs and the bath house downstairs. I can imagine how business must have been great for the girls upstairs for about 110 years. He said the place was really "anything goes" for the longest time. Im listening to this guy and then I smile and say "I guess I did miss the good old days, I wish I would have had a chance to be a part of that weirdness." 3 of the 4 people in the room laugh and agree. One girl turns around and gives me the most evil stare. She says "that's a shame, it must be hard for you to do it on your own." I said "what do you mean?" She said "meet girls, romance them." But she had a nasty tone in her voice and really was giving me an evil stare. I said "no... i love romancing girls, i just wish I had a chance to see how crazy this place used to be." She said "how are you getting home?" I said "I take the subway." She said "WELL, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT... BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH SOME PSYCHO BITCH LIKE ME ON THE SUBWAY... I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!" Then she stormed out of the sauna and slammed the door. Keep in mind that there were 3 people still in the sauna and we all were pretty much speechless for about 10 seconds.... just silence for a while.... Then this old fat dude who pretty much looked like tony soprano says "what the fuck was that all about." the old new jersey jewish chick next to me says "seriously.... what's her problem?" I'm still thinking that I said something inappropriate and overstepped my boundaries but according to the regulars who were in the room... I didn't do anything wrong. This chick was just nuts... I mean JESUS.... she said she was going to kill me and called herself a psycho bitch. All I wanted to do was see the hot russian whores. Big freaking deal.. so does every man alive..." I didn't stay too much longer... I went upstairs... paid my tab and left... but I will be back here... probably many times... this place is great. I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants a unique new york experience. http://www.russianturkishbaths.com post comment

adios anne [29 Jul 2009|11:28pm] Wow... it was a long ride... I can't even being to type all the shocking nonsense that went down in our relationship. i woke up to her looking over my head with scissors in her hand... this was the type of person who spends thousands of dollars to keep their 14 year old cat alive.... this is the type of person who grew up with two harvard graduate parents, got the best education money could buy, had a nanny and still claims life was hard... life was so hard... life is still so hard... honestly... it made me sick to my stomach... listening to her blame everything on her mother... its all her mothers fault... the chick was nutty... she was 3 papers away with being done with law school and she'd been putting it off for 3 years... ????? are you kidding me? really? She was a 32 year old "lawyer." She wasn't really a lawyer... but one day she will be... she might as well be. She was the smartest person i've ever dated... she knew every word to every bob dylan song ever written... but I guess that's not the most important thing in life... it really doesn't matter if the person im dating knows every word to every dylan song... it's not the end of the world. looking back on it now... im not sure why I even liked her... yet... at the time... it seemed to make sense. she's a freaking lunatic. but i wish her the best... end of story... there is so much more to be written about her... geeez... this woman was an absolute "shit show." Just imagine... you are sleeping peacefully... and you wake up... SHE IS LOOMING OVER YOUR HEAD... SCISSORS IN HAND... WITH A BRUSH.... AND A CRAZY LOOK IN HER EYE. I will never forget you ANNE... and I look forward to further documenting your craziness at some other time. 2 comments|post comment

X-rated panty party [29 Jul 2009|10:56pm] Wow... so... messing around with a Russian chick named Anya.... She claims that she cuts hair so I let her cut mine... for some reason whenever someone cuts my hair I always tell them the same thing... "make me look like someone you would want to date." Russian Anya botched my hair but it's cool... because after all... she is Russian. I paid her $40 and that's about $37 too much for the quality of haircut that I received. Here's where it gets interesting... Anya tells me about something called an X-Rated Panty Party. This is the flier.... On the back of the flier... they make all sorts of other claims... shocking... NOW... once I got the invite and google image searched past events... I knew that I was totally down for whatever this night had in store for me.. I told Donnie about the event and he was equally floored. Now... I just drove a taxi for my first day... I have to drive a taxi again tomorrow... BUT... I'm not going to miss anything called an X-Rated Panty Party..... We're showering... we're getting ready... then it hits us like a freight train... like a ton of bricks... DONNIE HAD A SEIZURE AND THE HOSPITAL LOST HIS DRIVERS LICENSE. Yes... about a week ago... he had a seizure in the whole foods on houston and the hospital lost his identification. How could he get into the panty party? new york is pretty laid back about carding people... but something called an x-rated panty party is going to ask for identification. no doubt about it. we racked our brains.... what can we do? how can we get around this? then donnie went to some back room of a department store in puerto rico town, that supposedly made "id's." this was a shit rig and they wanted $40 for the biggest piece of garbage you've ever seen. like... a total joke... he came back super dissapointed... but i can't let this get me down... i've got a hot russian chick inviting me out to some sort of panty party... i have no idea what to expect... with or without donnie... im going... but.... he is my friend... and i come up with a scheme to the next toll booth. I have a spare arizona drivers license... that he might be able to use... even though he is way taller than me... and doesn't even look remotely like me... BUT... then I have the moment of clarity.... I TELL HIM TO DRESS UP LIKE A FREAK AND WE ARE BOUND TO GET IN WITH NO PROBLEMS. I MEAN A REAL FREAK. IN DRAG.... WITH FACE PAINT... THE WEIRDER THE BETTER.... nobody is going to question it... everyone there will be a super freak... rick james style. this is what we came up with... the weird part was... it totally worked... they asked him for his id... but of course... you're thrown off guard by a total freak-a-zoid that you don't pay too much attention. we got into the party.. and it was game on... now... the weird part was this... as soon as me... and freak of nature walked in the door... some girls approached him and basically were all over donnie... this girl dug the cross dressing weirdo look... lucky for me... her friend was super cool and super normal... as normal as you can be.. hanging out at something called an x-rated panty party. I didn't know that she was going to become the love of my life... then again.. I guess you never really do... I asked her what ringo star's real name was... and she said "are you joking... richard starky... is that all you got for me?" i knew she was a keeper... Her name is Alise and we met under some pretty bizarre circumstances... I mean come on! Donnie was in drag... and her weird friend was super attracted to that... and why are we here at this x-rated panty party to begin with? When we got there it wasn't that fun... but the more I drank... the better time I had.... Alise works for Ralph Lauren and is pretty much a bad ass mofro. Super cool... I'm so glad I met her... We all went back to donnies and called it a night.. the next morning... I had a fabulous brunch with these two women. brunch is pretty fantastic... it's a new york thing... im still getting the hang of it. post comment

IM A TAXI DRIVER... [29 Jul 2009|10:53pm] it was this morning when i realized that i haven't written anything in a while... i've been taking mental notes about crazy stories and bizarre encounters along the way... but i have yet to take the time to document some of the odd experiences that the universe had to offer me.... all of a sudden it finally hit me.... like a freight train running full speed through the middle of a monday afternoon. sometime around 5:30 pm... i was huddled with two immigrants named Emad and Magdsar around a Xerox machine at a local Kinkos... We were making "unauthorized" copies of something called "the red book." At some point in time... Reality set in... I looked at Emad and Magdsar and thought to myself "what the fuck am i doing here?" We were only days away from our taxi exam and everyone was freaking out.... Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself... Let's start with this.... I arrived in New York City on March 3rd 2009... Since then I have been desperately trying to drive a taxi... however.... the rigmarole and amount of hoops you need to jump through is absolutely insane... Just to recap.... I finally got a NY State driver license... only after getting a new social security card (that reads michael adam jarmuz) and having my mother mail me my birth certificate in order to do so.... Then I upgraded my Class D NY State drivers license to a Chauffeurs License. Then I had to get a medical examination and official stamp from a NY doctor that stated I was mentally and physically fit to drive a taxi... Then I got a notarized form confirming that I had no outstanding child support.... Then I took a drug test... Got fingerprinted.... Got photographed.... After that.... I took a 6 hour defensive driving class... Then I enrolled in an 80 hour taxi school... ironically the school is called the "Master Cabbie Institute." I just finished my class and took the final exam... if I passed the exam... I wait 2-8 weeks and I get my NYC taxi license in the mail... I really hope I passed... I know that I either barely passed or barely failed... It's a lot harder than you think to drive a taxi in NYC. The biggest misconception about NYC taxi drivers is that they are unintelligent and only drive because there is nothing else they can do in life... Completely wrong... in fact... most of them speak 5-7 different languages... they all have masters degrees in their home countries... and they have chosen a profession where there is no W-2 or 1099 form... they make cash and send it back to their wife and families back home... it's genius... they aren't stupid... however... they have ZERO SOCIAL SKILLS... they sit on their "cockroach" headsets and talk on the phone all day... they don't communicate with their passengers and have no idea how to be "cool." The one thing they are not is "stupid" or "inadequate." In fact... they are smarter than you and I... for sure... That being said... I've been going to "class" every day and I'm the only "white" dude in the room... besides the teacher.... Everyone else is an immigrant... "Just trying to make it in this country." Not me... I'm the fucking muzz man... driving a taxi for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON? I still don't know... Do you know what it's like to look at a classmate and say "HEY PUNJAB, CAN I BORROW YOUR LIGHTER?" "MUHAMMAD, Do you have an extra pencil?" "Hey Venkat.... Nice shoes, did you get those in the city?" Shocking shit... that's what I've been exposed to lately... I'm not going to lie... I've loved every minute of it.. and I'm only scratching the surface of the whole ordeal right now... but it's been a life changing experience... I graduated from the MASTER CABBIE INSTITUTE on wednesday... All that's left is for me to take my final exam... and then wait for my taxi license to come in the mail... this was seriously a 2 1/2 month ordeal... it's not easy driving a taxi in New York City... #1) the history of the taxi is mind blowing... there's only 13,000 taxis on the streets of NYC and every one has what's called a "medallion." It's been like that since 1930.... There are about 40,000 legitimate drivers and it's super regulated... lots of fun facts come out of the classes... LOADS OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE... I'll bore you with it over a few beers the next time we hang out... So everyone is freaking out about passing the test... The class that I enrolled in is 80 hours and cost $325 not including study materials... The class that costs $700 comes with a "red book" and they advertise that you are guaranteed to pass the test... Guaranteed to pass? How the fuck does that work? Sounds like some shady shit if you ask me... Well... in this "red book" they basically give you the majority of the questions that are on the test... or something like that... AND... the reason the book is red is so it can't be photocopied... try making a xerox copy of a red piece of paper... it's impossible and comes out totally black and unreadable... There were a few people in my class that pad for the "red book" "guaranteed license" class... we all discussed it coming back from our daily lunch break... Whats in the "red book?" How do we get the "red book?" Then a man in the back of the class named Arjun finally spoke up after weeks of silence and said "you may use my red book." Arjun purchased the red book from the school... and it needs to be turned in before you take the test... He said we could try to copy it.... Emad took the book and the next day announced that he had no luck... he said the copies came out all black... I told him that if we sprung for color copies then we would be in luck... nobody in class believed me... they underestimated my knowledge about copies... remember when i was running a fake id ring? exactly... i know about copies... let me tell you... so after school we all went down to the kinkos and started in on the color copy machine... This was my second to last day of class and perfect timing for me... I was taking the test in two days... Emad paid for my copies and told me it was a birthday present... very nice thing for him to do... You're only allowed to take the test twice and if you fail both times... well... you're fucked... plain and simple.... get bent... do whatever you need to do... but you ain't driving a NYC yellow taxi. I passed the test.. i found out... it was a miracle... but i did... they asked all sorts of geography questions... "where is carnegie hall?" "empire state building" "chrysler building" museums, etc... all that shit... there was also an english portion of the test... it was easy for me... but hard as hell for all the immigrants... then... i patiently waited... and my license finally came in the mail... WOW... i actually did it... im a new york city taxi driver... now... what the fuck do i do? i took my new license back down to the taxi school and asked them what they thought i should do? they know best... the lady in the office made a call to a garage and told them i was a "good kid." the dudes name was Sabre. I took the train uptown to the Bronx and met with him at the garage... he took me on a road test around the city... next thing you know... HE FAILED ME... He said "you're a nice kid... but you can't drive here in the city." I said "what the fuck are you talking about... he told me that i drove too slow and wasn't right for his garage.... keep in mind... i haven't driven a car in 4 months... what the fuck? i was super careful because i was with him and nervous about the whole ordeal. i was super nervous... i'm waiving people in, stopping for old ladies crossing the street.... super careful and just taking it easy... not to mention the dude was blowing cigarette smoke in my face and purposely telling me to go the wrong way down one way streets... I got bummed and told him why i was driving so slow and careful... then he yelled at me because i wasn't honking the horn at people... ?????? really? the dude was bummed that i wasn't flipping the bird and honking the horn like an asshole... it made no sense to me... i got super mad and gave him a piece of my mind... then he said "ok kid... you can drive on saturday and sunday... day shift... ONLY." fine with me... all i wanted was for someone to give me a chance... i'll take the bullshit shifts... i went back to the taxi school and told them what happened... it's a freaking joke... i failed my taxi road test because i was driving too slow... they want assholes that drive crazy..... lord have mercy it makes no sense. Now... here's where the fun begins... The owner of the taxi school.... bought me a coffee and started asking me all sorts of questions... i got his life story and he explained that he had all these big dreams of being a poet and an actor when he was my age... he said that it never happened for him... sure... he was successful and all... but somewhere down the line... he quit following his dreams... and just became a "taxi driver." He said "I don't want this to happen to you kid." "This ain't a good life for you." "You're young, smart, funny and trust me... you don't want to end up like these guys driving cabs..." Then... he took out his business card... and started writing a note on the back of it... He told me to go to a garage down the street and ask for Stanley. The guy is an 80 year old "jewish son of a bitch" but he runs the best garage in the city. He also told me that they haven't spoken in 25 years and they also hate each other... The guy might tell you to "get fucked" or he might actually give you a shot. I thanked him and headed out for the garage.... When I got to the garage... I asked for Stanley and one of the mechanics directed me to the 80 year old Jewish son of a bitch. I told him that I wanted to drive for him and he laughed in my face... He said "You're a fucking kid." "You think I'm gonna give you car?" He starts yelling "this kid wants to drive for me... fat fucking chance... fat fucking chance im gonna let this guy drive." Then I pulled out the business card and handed it to him... Stanley read what he wrote and said "THIS FUCKING GUY SENT YOU... I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM IN 25 YEARS!" Then I looked at the card and what he wrote was this.... "Stanley, This kid might remind you of someone from a long time ago... Give him a chance for old times sake." Stanley paused a minute... looked at me... and said... alright kid... lets go for a ride... We got into a cab and he directed me on what to do... The whole time I was driving... he was telling me how I can't drive... and I'm not good enough... and I don't know the city... and I'm just a stupid kid... and all this other stuff... But I was charming him... making him laugh... and just being myself... next thing you know... he said "ok kid... you can drive." "But... only on the weekends and during the day." And that was it... He told me to come back the next day and fill out some paperwork... blah blah... he also told me to tell the guy from taxi school that he doesn't hate him... I agreed. When I went back the next day... I filled out the paperwork and really had a chance to talk to this 80 year old man... It's absolutely fascinating what he's been through. This garage has been in the taxi game since 1930... it's freaking nuts... His father started the business and he inherited it. keep this in mind... a taxi costs 600,000 and this guy has about 100 of them... and he has time to dick around with some kid like me... it doesn't make sense but i'm thankful for it. The other reason this is so great is because it's exactly the NYC taxi experience I'm looking for.... Stanley told me how the industry changed... in the 60's, 70's and 80's... all the drivers were white guys... artists... cool people... etc... john travolta from saturday night fever... robert deniro from taxi driver... the television show taxi... it was a different time... now... all the drivers are crazy immigrants... I didn't want to drive for some immigrant garage somewhere... I wanted to get the taxi experience that I had in my head... and this was the garage to do it... it was so old school... Pretty soon it was my first day... I remember that I couldn't hardly sleep the night before... I was so nervous... It was crazy... How the fuck am I going to be able to do this? I have no idea where I'm going... This is all too much.... Then I went down there and got my taxi... The first fare I got was to Penn Station and I forgot to turn the meter on because I was so nervous... In fact I pulled over to get a breather and that's when the customer hopped in and yelled Penn Station... I made a big deal about her being my first ride ever... I forgot to turn the meter on... Then she threw $10 at me and yelled Mazel tov. I knew what she was thinking... It was... "this kid ain't gonna make it." The day was insane.... Most NYC taxi drivers don't even make it through their first day... half of them can't do it... I keep an american flag on my dashboard... because... im positive that im the only 27 year old, american, white taxi driver in NYC... I used to think there were a few... now I am positive that I AM THE ONLY ONE... WITHOUT A DOUBT... I AM THE ONLY ONE.... I can't believe that I made it through my first day... I made a whopping $65 and had a blast... The first weekend was interesting... I was kind of flooozing around with a Russian chick and she invited me to an "x rated panty party." More taxi stuff later... How do you make videos and just tell stories? right? yea... NYC... wtf? this guy broke it down for me and claims he makes $500 a day in times square. this guy was in the subway and being really creepy... funny... but creepy... I refused the complimentary ride... although it was difficult to pass up a free bouncy ride. Duh... what the fuck... im sleeping on my friends floor... or couch... or whatever... for how long? what happened to me... hello... i was a former home owner and now im a professional bum. ummmm... then i booked a random ticket to thailand... but ill get into that after the x-rated panty party... post comment

one month in new york... and a talking donald trump action figure [08 Apr 2009|08:04pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | third eye blind? ] The roller coaster of life can be a sick and twisted ride. Not something for the faint of heart, pregnant, weak stomached or the emotionally unstable. I guess we don't really have a choice... but then again... we're constantly choosing our paths every day of our lives. Or are we? I've done some research on Predestination lately. It's really interesting... Predestination is a religious concept, which involves the relationship between God and His creation. The religious character of predestination distinguishes it from other ideas about determinism and free will. Those who believe in predestination, such as John Calvin, believe that before the creation God determined the fate of the universe throughout all of time and space. Predestination is a decree by God that there are certain souls that were previously appointed to salvation. The highs are high and the lows are low... The best part about being in a low is that you are bound to have a high coming right around the corner. The lower the lows... The higher the highs... I'd rather be on the roller coaster than sitting on some wooden horse... spinning around on a carousel. This morning... the highs were high... Ironically.. yesterday the lows were low... and in fact... I've come full circle and am currently at my lowest low since i've been in new york... In theory... I should be high flying soon... then again... Nothing surprises me at this point. Yet.... somehow... as I crossed 79th and Lexington at 9:30 this morning... I REALIZED THAT I WAS CARRYING A 12 INCH, TALKING DONALD TRUMP ACTION FIGURE. It was like that talking heads song... "then you ask yourself... how did I get here?" How did I get here? Why am I holding a talking donald trump action figure? It didn't seem as funny when I was leaving her place... Or maybe it just didn't sink in... Yet as I was sitting on the subway.... with a 12 INCH, TALKING DONALD TRUMP ACTION FIGURE, I couldn't help but wonder what the people around me thought of the guy with a talking donald trump on his lap... Did he buy that toy for a reason? Perhaps it was a gift? Is that really a talking Donald Trump on your lap? What are you going to do with that? What was I going to do with it? Where did it come from? Why did I like it so much? My Trump action figure says 17 different phrases... my favorite is... "I SHOULD FIRE MYSELF JUST FOR HAVING YOU AROUND."In fact... I'm looking at him right now.... Donald is sitting next to me on the couch... He is much smaller... But don't be fooled by his size... he is so much more powerful than I... or at least for the time being. He's been giving me advice on my wheelings and dealings. He yelled and screamed about my investment tactics. I have disappointed the mighty trump. Why was I on the subway with my Donald Trump action figure? Why was I at 79th and Lexington? I live nowhere near 79th and Lexington... People with MONEY live around 79th and Lexington. People that wear some serious big ballin ball shorts. Really it all started yesterday when I thought I was high flying... I received an old drivers license in the mail and was headed down to the DMV to get my NY state license and taxi driving permit. The paperwork was filled out... it was early in the morning and everything seemed right with the world. I'm so pumped to drive a taxi in new york city... I can't wait to see what type of gnarlyness comes out of it. That's right... gnarlyness... it's a word... i think... I got down to the motor vehicle division, stood in line, jumped through the hoops and waited patiently reading my book. Surprisingly, the NY DMV isn't as crazy as you might think... It runs smoothly and if you catch it right, you'll be in and out, in under an hour. I WAS DONE... THIS WAS IT... FINALLY A DRIVERS LICENSE... FINALLY MY TAXI PERMIT... I'M LEGIT... I paid... I signed, I waited, I waited, I waited.... I HAD ALREADY PAID FOR MY LICENSE AND PERMIT... The license was coming hot off the presses.... I was extremely happy and feeling like something good was about to happen. I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED... THAT THIS OBVIOUSLY WAS A SIGN THAT SOMETHING WAS ABOUT TO GO HORRIBLY WRONG... We were making small talk when all of a sudden... A HEAVYSET BEAST OF A WOMAN CAME OVER AND STUCK HER FUCKING NOSE IN MY PAPERWORK. THIS SWINE OF A WOMAN NOTICED THAT MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD SAYS "MIKE" AND EVERY OTHER DOCUMENT I PRODUCED READS "MICHAEL." THIS BUCK TOOTHED, GARGANTUAN, BEASTLY, ABOMINABLE, HONKY, SWINE OF A WOMAN.... STEPPED IN AND DENIED ME MY DRIVERS LICENSE... Did she know that she was ruining my day? OF COURSE SHE DID.... AND SHE LOVED EVERY LAST FUCKING SECOND OF IT. I have a passport, drivers license, and birth certificate that all say MICHAEL... Yet, for some reason... my freaking social security card reads "MIKE." WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. Why does the social security card read "MIKE?" When I was 16... I went to get a replacement card and for some reason... I told them to change it... Way to go muzz man? YOU REALLY CAN FUCK UP A GLASS OF WATER. There was nothing I could do to fix this. The sheer ANGER that I felt when she told me I couldn't get that drivers license was RAGE that I hadn't felt in years. I can't remember the last time I got so frustrated with something... Oh wait... of course I can... it's every FUCKING DAY WITH THE STOCK MARKET... Can someone shoot me in the face? Please... Please GOD... end this madness and shoot me in the face... Anyways... I WAS NOW TOTALLY SCREWED ON GETTING MY LICENSE.... How the fuck am I going to get another social security card...? Yet... another social security card that reads MICHAEL? What a joke... I keep telling myself that it's not meant to be but that seems like a crock of shit. I want to drive a fucking taxi... I want a fucking New York drivers license... These are not outrageous demands... Hence... THE LOWS WERE LOW.... Today was also the day that I was supposed to start training at the archive and learn the art of making coffee. At least it's a job... I was so pissed off after leaving the DMV that I almost called Donnie and tried to get out of it. I knew that I had to go and learn about lattes, cappuccinos and all that jazz. Right now the only thing I know about coffee is that I love it and drink it every day... None of those fancy, la de da drinks... Just give me black coffee and I'm happy. BLACK... BLACK... JUST LIKE THE TOOTHLESS SWINE WHO DENIED ME MY RIGHT TO DRIVE A TAXI. I don't get it... every fucking Somalian immigrant who comes to America, can drive a taxi. Not me! Wow.... Anyways... I went to the archive and Donnie showed me the ropes... Cash register, coffee, bagels, good times... Another one of life's harsh realizations slapped me in the face... WOW... I'm making coffee... Not even doing it well mind you... there's a whole lot more to coffee than you think... I don't know what I'm doing... I still learned how to make the drinks and I feel qualified to start working in the coffee shop... But... What a twisted full circle my life has taken. I remember when I used to be successful in business and in life... it's weird how sometimes you get derailed like a bad train wreck. I've been derailed to say the least... It's weird because I feel like i'm on the verge of starting a new chapter and new project. I feel like I need a new major accomplishment... I just don't know what the fuck it is. I've felt this same feeling at the end of every era... it's an uncertainty or not knowing if the best days are behind you or just up ahead. Or maybe they're all good but for different reasons. It's hard to live up to your own standards sometimes. Even more twisted... We were all on the roof and Donnie loves to fuck with me about managing the Format... Some girl up there immediately said "I LOVE THAT BAND." Then she proceeded to say over and over again "how does it go... clap your hands and stomp your feet." Yes... my own personal hell... when I'm already ready to jump off the fucking roof. A part of me wants to hop back into the music business... find a band... sell their art... climb the bullshit ladder until I feel a sense of accomplishment and then take a big poop all over it. Once a few realizations finally set in... like being handed a substantial sum of money for landing a record deal... or selling out the 9:30 club in DC... or supporting on an arena tour... that's about the time when i'll run away and drive a cab... serve some coffee.. live on a farm... or whatever. I started looking at some suggestions of bands that need management... Not unsigned or garbage bands... but national bands that needed legitimate management. I was totally shocked at what I was given. Just bogus and mindless music. I reacted by saying "I could never put my heart into this..." An old mentor of mine said "WAKE UP MUZZ.... THIS IS WHAT KIDS LIKE THESE DAYS." he said "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO... MANAGE SOME COOL INDIE BAND THAT DRAWS TWO PEOPLE?" well... no... but JESUS... i don't want to sacrifice integrity to peddle some bullshit to fourteen year old girls... i might as well just sell them heroin and call it a day. Maybe that's why I don't feel like one of them... There are two types of people in the abominable savage industry... it's "us and them" I'm not one of them... and I would say it to anyone that I am working for or managing the career of. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM... But I feel like managing some pretty boy flavor of the week would make me one of them. It's not all about the money... I just want to prove it to myself that I can do it all over again. At the same time... finding music that I believed in would be the only way it could happen. good music, good unrepresented artists are not easy to come by. That's what I love to do... come into peoples lives and inspire them. Spend countless hours driving across country... stuck in a van... passing an i-pod around... talking about everything imaginable. It's weird the relationship you have with people that you tour with... you can say and talk about anything. There aren't too many people you can look square in the face and say "man, i've got to take a gnarly shit right now." not feeling embarrassed in any way... he understands... he's in the same fucking boat... the craziest conversations can come about in a van full of musicians in the middle of the night driving across the country... there will be a few minutes of silence and then someone will say very quietly... "would you rather have a dick as a nose or shit every time you orgasm?" then you weigh the options... well... maybe the dick nose is better because i could meet a chick who is into that sort of thing... she might really dig it... or... "no way... poop orgasm for sure... i can't do business with a dick for a nose... nobody would take me seriously..." but.... "i might argue that.. because in a business dealing... if you are really haggling with someone... you know... "playing hardball" and they're forced to stare at some kind of penis nose... you might have an advantage... nobody could argue with a penis nosed business man. well... at least i couldn't... maybe over the phone... but certainly not in an office environment... "No way could I poop every time I orgasm, it would ruin sex for me?" and just when thought he was sleeping... a quiet voice from the back of the van says "or would it?" meanwhile toco is locked in red heaven and everyone is so tired that we all can't see straight and everything seems funny. i miss those conversations... i miss touring every day. and i miss ian stupar... he always had some great questions... Then again... where did the Donald Trump doll come from. He's been with me all day... we ran some errands together... spent all day hanging out. He's always got something interesting to say... We'd kick around ideas and he was kind enough to share his expertise with me... Just look to Mr. Trump and he'll reply with something prolific like "think big... dream big" Then again... most of the time he just tells you "you're fired." We chilled pretty hard all day... he blazed a few bowls with us and I was pretty shocked. Apparently, he gets super baked right before he closes a big deal. We went to the roof and Trump was all about it. He started giving a speech about when he was just a young mother fucker smoking value packs. Shooting dice in the corners of the public schools. He said he used to gang bang but now it's a G thang. It was super weird... he started getting a little out of hand and took a piss off the side of the roof. We told him that he couldn't pee off the side of the building but he started yelling "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM." He started talking about all the buildings he has pissed off of in New York City .... Including both world trade center towers and the statue of liberty. He then proceeded to rant about how he was deadlocked with the Catholic church and couldn't see eye to eye with the Pope. I guess the Catholic church owns tons of New York real estate. We meant no disrespect to him... We weren't questioning his power... it was just pretty rude to piss off the side of our roof. It was just really inconsiderate... that's all... He calmed down after a little while... But then he peaced out. He said he needed to send a fax. Maybe that's a code for taking a shit... Or maybe he really needed to send a fax. I'm not sure... After I was done training at the archive... another bizarre chain of events took place... The chain of events that brought me and Mr. Trump together in the first place. I was contacted by a female... the details were scant at best... it's pretty blurry when I try and fit the pieces together. All I know is that SIGHT UNSEEN... I had been communicating with this woman. She had the most odd sense of humor. Either there was something severely wrong with her head, she was handicapped or she was my soul mate. We finally spoke on the phone and she told me that she was a huge Bob Dylan fan... I said to her "do you know what it's like to wake up every day and wish you were Bob Dylan?" She said "do you know what it's like to go to sleep every night and wish you were sleeping with Bob Dylan?" This girl might be as weird as I am... I was shocked but she really knew her stuff. This girl was legit. She spoke very intelligently with an amazing sense of "dry" humor. She sounded like an older woman. She had a lot to say... She went to Yale and was currently in law school. Very bizarre and witty conversation. This girl and I were brought together under the weirdest of circumstances. Actually... the fact that I even met her is truly a simple twist of fate. I still didn't really know what she looked like. Based on our phone conversations... this was going to be interesting... for sure. It was decided that we'd meet up in Union Square. When I was finished learning the art of coffee... I took the L train to 14th street and got out of the subway. I called her and she told me where she was standing. She was on the opposite side of the park. We met up and i was completely shocked at what I saw. THIS WAS NOT A GIRL... THIS WAS A WOMAN... A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN... TRULY STUNNING... The type of girl you see walk on the street but never have the guts to ask out. If there's a definition of out of my league this was it. She graduated from Yale, is currently in law school, has two mortgages, lives alone and in a nice area... She asked me if I wanted to get a coffee but after the drivers license ordeal and coming to the harsh realization that my role in society was about to be making coffee.... I really wanted to get a drink. I was following her... She walked fast... She was the definition of a New Yorker... This girl was as New York as you can get. She waved at employees through the windows of stores as we walked down the street. She stopped to give a quick hello to some other people she ran into. We weren't in a quiet little neighborhood... This was Union Square. Maybe it was a random coincidence... Maybe it's because she's about as New York as you can get... I don't know... Let me also say... she carried herself differently than any other girl I've ever hung out with... She was classy... Real classy. Not stuck up... Not too cool for school... Just graceful, classy, eloquent and it left me speechless.. Well, I'm never speechless... but I was in awe of her and I had just met her. She said a few interesting things to me... Right off the bat she said... "i'm a private person and I would hate to think that I might be the subject of one of your crappy journal entries." Actually... her exact words were "just the thought of it makes me want to projectile vomit all over myself." She said it with a smile and I don't take anything seriously... But she made a point of telling me that I couldn't write about her. I assured her that nobody reads my "crappy journal entries." It's quite obvious that I am a professional journalist and this is a daily record for me to reflect upon in my elderly years. When we got to the bar.... we took a seat and removed our jackets. I ordered a Stella Artois draft beer and she asked the server if there was any sparkling mineral water... This is what I'm talking about... Sparkling mineral water? Who the fuck drinks mineral water? Who drinks club soda, seltzer, mineral water or any of that shit? I certainly don't... Classy... right? I was obviously out of my league and taken aback by her love for mineral water. I didn't know what to think but I knew that she was stunning in every way imaginable. We talked about the usual stuff... Life, love, the american dream, music, spirituality, and the normal muzzle discussions... This was odd because she didn't seem like the other girls that I've been floozing around with since I've been in New York City. She didn't ask me any weird questions like "has anyone ever licked your asshole?" or tell me that she liked to fuck wearing a minnie mouse costume... This was the type of girl that didn't own a dildo bicycle... She was dignified... I just didn't understand why she was interested in getting to know me... This girl could have any guy she wanted... Well... maybe not any man.. maybe not Shaquille O'Neal... But certainly any upper echelon member of the society and community... She could date some 45 year old indian doctor if she wanted... you know... a real soft spoken Indian doctor... the quiet and reserved type... but still he used to be in a punk band back in college... Then maybe he was a DJ during graduate school... back in the days when he was sewing his wild oats... But now... those days are long gone for the quiet doctor. some 45 year old indian man who enjoys wine tasting and spending the weekend in the Hamptons at his great grandfathers cottage... The type of guy who would iron a t-shirt... Why did this girl even want to get to know me? I showed up in ripped jeans and converse tennis shoes. She just came from a wedding and looked beautiful. She mentioned something about smoking and invited me back to her place... I thought "here we go... this is where the real circus show begins." She probably had leather whips and weird sex swings hanging from the ceiling... Maybe she was going to try and tie me up and kill me... Lock me in her spare bedroom and turn me into some type of slave... Nobody would know... either way... She's a GOD DAMNED LAWYER... I'm sure she could beat the charges... Obviously no 32 year old lawyer would just invite me back to her place on the upper east side to "smoke." What's the catch? Maybe she did have a weird dildo bicycle and I was just about to get a pool side view into her world... Then again... I've been in some hairy situations and I felt like I could handle whatever she was about to throw at me. At the same time... She had a fabulous taste in music... Better than any woman I have ever met... Very knowledgeable... Not just knew tunes... She knew every fucking word... She really knew every fucking word. She's a lyrics hound... just like me... she loves a good story... We hopped on the subway and took it uptown. She lived walking distance from central park. Much different vibe from the hipster Brooklyn neighborhood where I was "staying." I like the Brooklyn neighborhood where I was staying. Not overly "hipster" just filled with young cool people. I used to think that Brooklyn and Manhattan were basically the same. In many ways, they're similar but definitely not the same. Even though they're so close to each other. A few days ago I walked over the Williamsburg bridge and next thing I knew... I was on the lower east side. It's so close... I walked to the lower east side... it didn't even take that long... right from my doorstep... AND... It was an amazing walk... walking over the east river from Brooklyn, into Manhattan is awesome. I'd driven over it many times... but I've never walked over a New York bridge before. Brooklyn is more "neighborhoody." If that's even a word... It just feels different. They're both great... but they definitely feel different. Different strokes for different folks... She lived a few blocks from the subway so it was a nice little walk to her place. We arrived at her building and almost without thinking... she ran up the stairs and opted not to use the elevator. I quote the great nate burry and say "why work when you don't have to?" She lived on the 4th floor and it was a nice old building. every building in new york is old... and spectacular. Why don't they build buildings like this anymore. Is it because it's too expensive? I mean seriously... the architecture from the past is so much more glorious than these crappy buildings they're churning out... all over ANYTOWN, USA. I mean with gargoyles hanging off the tops and huge pillars... statues of Greek GODS and presidents. The bell on her door had a completely different name than the one she had given me. I didn't ask too many questions... but it did trigger some suspicion in my brain. The true nature and state of affairs that this woman's life was in..... was completely unlike anything I have ever seen before. I've lived with a few "dirty birds" before... but this was total chaos. No weird sex toys or any superimposed dildo posters on the wall... nothing like that... but complete CHAOS and DISORDER... everywhere you could look. This was INSANITY. I mean nothing made sense.... the way things were hung on the wall made no sense.. nothing lined up or had any type of symmetrical balance... lamps without bulbs.. clothes everywhere... ashes on the floors and tables... stacks of dirty dishes... tons and tons of rugs that were all piled up... crusted cat litter and food all over the floors... almost like you would be scared to be without shoes... on and on... everywhere you turned... it looked like the site of some kind of natural disaster... There was a random fax machine in the middle of the living room floor. Not plugged in... Not functional.. Just there... amongst the battle grounds... I managed to spot an i-home radio thing... which totally made sense because she didn't even have a working i-pod... so of course she would have this unit buried under a stack of old papers and books. i plugged in my phone, turned it on and played an unreleased version of blood on the tracks.. i knew she was a dylan fan but i was positive that she had never heard this before... yet to my amazement... she had heard the unreleased versions and was familiar with them... how could this be? this stuff was extremely rare... like hens teeth... i got it from a french speaking man back on the farm in Mississippi.. she knew every word... even the lines that were different from the original versions... she knew... we talked for a long time... made some coffee... and i remembered asking her "have you always lived in this much chaos?" She looked at me like I was insane... as if her place wasn't a total disaster. She told me that she hadn't been here very long and I should cut her some slack... I asked her how long she had been living here and she said seven months. I feel that seven months is long enough to get it together... but hey.. who knows... 2 weeks... a month... fine... i understand... but seven months... WOW... anyways... She had a cat named Owen who was 13 years old... She gave him loads of medicine and she went into the kitchen to administer it. It's a struggle with the cat... he doesn't like the medicine... but then again... who does? While she was in the other room, I had a look around at the madness... Amongst it all was a 12 inch, talking Donald Trump action figure. Still in the box... I took it off the top shelf. She came out of the kitchen and told me I could have the doll... Pending one condition... I must leave with the doll and once I take it... the doll becomes my responsibility. I was perfectly fine with these terms and conditions. I've never really had a serious relationship with a normal woman... for some reason I always end up with the "kooks." The real nut jobs... maybe it's because i'm a nut job.. whatever the definition of normal is... i've come to terms that i'm far from it. although i've dated the fruit loops... this one takes the cake... that's one of the million reasons why i like her... she's the smartest person that i have ever hung out with... and at the same time... she should be put into a mental asylum and closely monitored by men wearing white coats... The other day she dyed easter eggs... and not even artistic or strikingly beautiful eggs... these things looked hideous.. then she arranged them in a basket and threw in a bunch of her cats toys... one of them was a fake mouse... she proceeded to say "this is my art, do you like it?" How am I supposed to react.. she has just created the oddest looking easter eggs (especially for a 32 year old woman) then threw in some cat toys... one of which was a fake mouse... and then asked my opinion of her art.... WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "good work honey..." or maybe "looks nice dear..." how about "the fake mouse is a nice touch, adds a real southern feel." I just stared at her with amazement and never knew if she is was just fucking with me or if she was serious. She has tons of half finished "art" projects around the house... they're all shocking in their own way. like how your pockets inevitably fill up with useless items that eventually get thrown away... business cards, receipts and stuff like that... not with her... she saves them all and then randomly tapes them to whatever she can find... then... she shows it to me and says "do you like my art?" Meanwhile... I'm staring at an old piece of a cardboard donkey with a few business cards scotch taped to it... My head cannot process this information fast enough. Is this chick for real? Would she be upset if I said "honey... isn't that a bunch of old trash taped to a cardboard donkey?" I don't know what to think... but I know that she's a fantastic person and unlike any other woman that i've ever met. This woman was a smoker... and I mean smoker... I'm a smoker... I have been for a long time.. I've been puffing on cigarettes since the age of 16... spent loads of time with hardcore smokers... nobody smokes more than Toco, Ruess and Means... and I mean NOBODY... This girl smoked like a fiend.. I mean NO MERCY... windows closed... in bed.. everywhere... and paid no mind to the ashes... there were ashtrays all over her apartment.. all filled with cigarette butts... but wherever she was... she was smoking.. and she ashed wherever it was convenient for her... believe it or not... there is something really sexy about this... maybe if you were a non smoker it wouldn't be sexy... or maybe smoking is universally sexy, smoker or not. But she was exactly how I pictured a muse to be. Have you ever created or personified your very own muse in your head? It's been one of my fantasies for years... meeting someone that makes you want to be a better person and inspire you in every possible way. Everything I could imagine would fit her description... including the complete whirlwind state of her home life and her chain smoking. The other day I saw an ad on craigslist and I responded to it. I've responded to a few craigslist ads but that's a whole different bowl of lunacy. this one was for servers, bartenders and cashiers. It didn't give the name of the business but it was in Union Square and the post said to arrive at 4:00 pm for open interviews. There were a million people lined up.. everyone wants a job these days. Come to find out... the job was at a place called Bowl More... it's a bowling alley in union square... actually one of... if not the nicest bowling alley i have ever been in. Come to find out... it's the top grossing bowling alley in the WORLD... wow... right? wow... anyways... They herded us in like cattle and we all completed the applications in a plush bar room. I set my application in the server stack and they called us in groups. This was a weird group interview where everyone went around and spoke briefly. They also went on to say that if you pass the first series of interviews... everyone will need to have a psychological profile completed before starting their job... a psychological profile? really? its a fucking bowling alley... i don't give a shit if lenny kravitz bowls here... im not any crazier than he is... I was the only male in the group interview for potential servers. everyone else was a female. The generic responses that these people gave were so horrendous that it made me glad to be a "nut job." Horrible shit like "i like people" "im trustworthy" "im a hard worker" GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.... these people interview all day long... if they hear "people person" one more time... they're probably going drop a bowling ball on their skull. well... i wasn't about to play this game... I WAS RAISED IN A BOWLING ALLEY.... literally... i spent the better part of my youth in a bowling alley... MY LIFE REVOLVED AROUND A BOWLING ALLEY AND A HORSE TRACK... in fact.. now that i think about it... this might largely be the reason I turned out the way I did. When these people asked me why I would be the right person to hire at Bowl More... I really let them have it... How about I GREW UP IN A BOWLING ALLEY... I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE GROUP WHO ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO BOWL... WITH A GOD DAMN 208 AVERAGE NONETHELESS... I UNDERSTAND THE TYPE OF CRAZIES THAT A BOWLING ALLEY ATTRACTS... IF SOMEONES SHOE IS STICKING AT THE FOUL LINE... I KNOW WHAT PRODUCT TO SELL THEM... MY FAVORITE OLD TRICK WAS TO PUT CIGARETTE ASHES ON YOUR SHOES... HOW TO SHRINK A SWOLLEN THUMB DURING A TOURNAMENT... HOW TO TREAT A BLISTER... I USED TO COACH KIDS ON SATURDAY MORNINGS IN EXCHANGE FOR FREE BOWLING... I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHITE AND BLACK THUMB TAPE.. I'VE BEEN TO MULTIPLE PROFESSIONAL BOWLERS TOUR EVENTS... I WORKED FOR YEARS IN A BOWLING ALLEY... FUCKING YEARS.... I also added... I'm not going to say that I'm a people person, trustworthy, dependable or any other generic response that you hear all day... Those qualities go without saying. I'd make a great employee because I have worked in a bowling alley and have an immense understanding of how a bowling alley operates. They never called me back... yet it truly disturbs me to know that some big titty tramp who responded with "i like people" is getting a job in that place... while good old muzz man is still basically unemployed. A WEIRD ACTORS PARTY / AND PASSING OUT ON A BRONX BOUND TRAIN A few weeks ago... I committed to attending a birthday party for some directors "spooozle" girlfriend. Donnie called me and said two girls needed two nice men to accompany them. I was promised free drinks and a good story to tell... well... i didn't really get either.... it didn't take too much convincing... im a sucker for a good story and nights like these are usually where you find yourself staring at a dildo bicycle in some girls room around 3:00 am... or drinking scotch on a rooftop with someone dressed like alice in wonderland... and wondering how you got yourself into this situation... that... and who can pass up a free drink and a room filled with acting weirdos. We all met up around Bleecker Street and headed down to where the party was... It was at a hotel and the whole thing was really swanky... like $11 shots of whiskey swankey... like $7.00 bottles of stella beer swanky. the view was incredible and they rented out this bar room for the party. donnie and i immediately got caught in uninteresting conversation with two actresses... well.... FUTURE REFERENCE... JUST BECAUSE A FEMALE ACTS... DOESN'T MAKE HER AN ACTRESS... THEY PREFER TO BE CALLED ACTORS... DON'T ASK ME WHY... JUST TRUST ME THAT YOU WILL LEARN THIS LESSON THE HARD WAY... IT'S A CONVERSATION BEST AVOIDED... WHEN A CHICK TELLS YOU SHE IS AN ACTOR... JUST GO WITH IT MAN... YOU'RE DOOMED OTHERWISE... Donnie and I were looking at each other with a sort of "what the fuck are we doing here" expression on our face. Our course of action on how to handle the event was to GET HAMMERED. I'm not advocating getting wasted... but this was our only shot at salvaging the evening and making it the slightest bit interesting. Nothing like being at a party... having everyone yell "SURPRISE" and you're looking around wondering who's fucking birthday it is. That was me and Donnie. The alcohol started taking effect and now we were ready to roll with the punches. This is completely shocking... I don't know if ACTORS do this sort of thing all the time... I've never been to a fancy party with a room of actors... For the rest of the evening... or at least the rest of the time I was at the party... they all sat around and read scripts... not read them silently to themselves... they acted stuff out and performed for everyone else at the party... keep in mind that it was a loud environment... as most parties tend to be... and nobody could hear what these poor souls were saying... they would take turn reading scenes and then switching around... and reading more scenes... and switching around and reading more scenes... the whole thing was rather bizarre... considering we not only couldn't hear what they were saying... but we couldn't converse amongst ourselves... All I know... is that there was giant bottle of grey goose vodka on the table in front of me... the bottles contents disappeared and i grew less and less interested in trying to decipher what these actors were saying. I did manage to get louder and louder in my own little world. Then some weird asian girl played an even weirder happy birthday song... someone handed me a cupcake and i still found it odd that i didn't even know whos fucking birthday it was. I yelled... I gotta get out of this casting call... and i left donnie in the dust... he was sitting on the couch with some "ACTOR" in his lap... not a man... a woman... they like to be called actors too... I got on the subway... and made the mistake of passing out once again... DAMN... this time I was really screwed... I didn't wake up anywhere near where I needed to be... I opened my eyes and literally... I WAS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE TRAIN... I was near the end of the line... WAY THE FUCK IN BRONX... not just a few stops away... I was WAY OUT THERE... and I was the only one on the fucking train. I stumbled off the train at the next stop... I was pretty hammered... it was freezing cold and i checked my phone to see what time it was... Something didn't add up because I left the party hours ago... How long had I been on this fucking train? Who knows how many times it went back and forth from end to end... That's another amazing thing about New York City... nobody will ever bother you... they see some random guy passed out in the corner of the subway... nobody would dare disturb you... maybe nudge me and say "hey man.. you alright?" "need some help?" "everything cool?" NOT A CHANCE... they assume you're homeless and trying to get out of the cold... I stumbled off the train and I was pretty hammered... I started waiting on the other side of the tracks for a train back into the city... I waited... I waited... I waited... and nothing... NOTHING... NOTHING... I found some cops downstairs and asked them what the deal was... They told me that trains aren't running from this stop back into the city... They told me that I would have to take the train all the way to the end of the Bronx and then ride it straight back into the city... This was very disturbing news... This was not what I wanted to hear at 3:00 am way the fuck in the Bronx. I started cursing like a mad man and left the subway terminal... I wasn't sure where the fuck I was going but I spotted a gypsy cab parked outside the subway. I asked him how much to get back to 80th Street and Lexington area... He said $30... I told him $25 and he said "get in." I was pissed... this was a fucking disaster. I started asking the man some questions and he told me that he was 78 years old... I said JESUS CHRIST MAN... what's a 78 year old man doing driving a taxi... move to Florida... hang with the grand kids... enjoy your last few years in peace... He went on to say that he liked to shoot dice and needed to support his habit. He had been driving in New York City for over 50 years. He said "i've seen some shit... let me tell ya." I'm sure he has seen some shit... piles and piles of it... I can only imagine. I ended up giving him $30 because he was a nice old man... I hope I'm not driving a gypsy cab when I'm 78 years old... claiming that I like to "shoot crap" and haven't ever been able to get away from a good dice game. unfortunately, I might find myself in his shoes one day. I keep buying my weekly lottery tickets... but still I haven't won... I'm sure it's just a matter of time... I'm officially done with the stock market... it's over... like john callio once said to me "the parties over junior." it speaks volumes... the party is over... no more... no more... ive had enough... maybe some other time... maybe some other life... but basically i hate myself and want to die... that's where i stand and part ways with the evil son of a bitch. It's an abominable creature... a wretched pit of filth where the worms of the earth come to drink seltzer water and smoke cigars... i want nothing to do with it. it's pretty to think any other way... when you've lost more money than you can afford to lose... when you were sitting comfortably with a good amount of cash and now you're faced with the harsh reality that you have foolishly squandered most of your hard earned money on some magic beans... marko used to always say that to me... he'd say "what's the matter muzz man... did you trade your last cow for some magic beans." I guess it's what I get... I stashed some cash... filed for bankruptcy... went on a bizarre 4 day cruise with Casey Shafer and then lost most of my money in the stock market... it's karma... i mean... who the fuck files for bankruptcy and goes on a cruise 6 days later? I attempted to obtain a new social security card... this was the only way I could get a new york license... I took a trip down to the social security administration but had no success.... they need an original copy of my birth certificate... apparently my passport, arizona drivers license, social security card and copy of my birth certificate aren't sufficient pieces of information to prove my identity. I got a tip from a new yorker who said "that's bullshit... go to the DMV in harlem and they'll give you a license..." It was worth a shot... I made a trip up to Harlem and went to the DMV. This was the complete opposite of the other DMV that I was denied at last time... This was a GOD DAMN circus sideshow of freaks and foreigners... The line was insane... out the door... not even moving... NOT EVEN FUCKING MOVING... good thing I brought a book to read... I WAS AT THIS DMV FOR HOURS AND HOURS... HOURS AND HOURS... WAITING... WAITING... WAITING... all the while not knowing if they were going to accept my paperwork and give me a license... sure enough.. they did... I'm legit.. I have my new york drivers license and it feels great... well... technically i didn't have it... they print you a piece of paper with no picture that acts as a temporary one... not like in arizona where they give it to you on the spot. You have to wait 6 months for the fucker to come in the mail... well... maybe not that long... but still... im used to the efficiency of the arizona DMV.. where you get the license right there on the spot... and it's good FOR FIFTY FUCKING YEARS... nobody out here can get over the fact that arizona licenses are good for 50 years.. it's shocking to these people. NY licenses are good for 5. I left the DMV feeling accomplished and I couldn't wait until I got my license in the mail. I've been to Harlem a few times in my life... this time... I realized that I want nothing to do with it.. I understand there are cool places and fun areas that I haven't been to... I just don't want to go to harlem unless i absolutely have to.... yea sure... everyone talks about the great jazz clubs... yada yada... keep me the fuck out of harlem... like how you can feel the difference between brooklyn and new york... you can feel it when you're in harlem and the bronx too... keep me the fuck out of there... anyways... I still plan on driving a taxi in New York City... I am going to do this... it'll be a fantastic batch of stories and a gnarly experience... I am just shocked at the amount of hoops there are to jump through... MEDICAL EXAMINATION, DRUG TEST, 80 HOUR TAXI DRIVING COURSE, DEFENSIVE DRIVING CLASS, CHAUFFEURS LICENSE, NY DRIVERS LICENSE, TAXI AND LIMOUSINE COMMISSION PERMIT, ETC, ETC... I can't even believe all these Somalian immigrants go through this shit... it's ridiculous... and then after all of this.. you need to get hired by the cab company... Every time a cab passes me on the street, I look at the driver and I see him wearing a turban and talking on his "cockroach headset." All I can think is... this guy can do it and I can't? really? i guess it's just a matter of time. I'm waiting for my original birth certificate to arrive in the mail... then i'm going to get my legal name changed back to michael... because all documents need to read the exact same name... then im going to wait for my new social security card to arrive in the mail... then im going to take these classes and continue the necessary steps to fulfill my dream of being a cab driver in new york city. Speaking of dreams... I've been spending a good amount of time with this fantastic woman. As much time as two people can spend together over the course of knowing each other for only 3 days. I made it my goal to bring order to her life and apartment. The next morning I had the day off and while she was gone... I completely changed the whole place. The kitchen was probably cleaner than it had ever been... completely functional... Everything was starting to go in its proper place... Her spare bedroom was transformed into an office... everything rearranged and hooked up... Now she could receive faxes (she already had two home phone lines... it was just buried amongst the chaos) her workspace was suitable for printing and being productive... her floors were clean... everything was coming along. I hung random stuff that I found on her walls... I fixed a mirror... I don't know why I enjoyed it so much. It was nice. She was pleased with the influence my presence was bringing to her home life. She asked me to move in with her. I accepted her offer and didn't think twice. This type of zero to sixty behavior is not unlike me. I don't have a second gear... that combined with never feeling this way about anyone... i mean... what does move in mean anyways? all i have is what i brought with me on the plane... it's not much to move. My personal one month review of being in new york city comes down to... I'm pretty sure the reason why I had to come here was to meet this woman, who I now also live with. I'm working a few hours at a coffee shop in Brooklyn and learning the art of coffee preparation. i've lost far too much money in the stock market and I am done for good. I've had a series of interviews and nobody will give me a job. I revamped my resume and it looks pretty amazing... I should get a good job soon. I've got a date with some old booking agent friends at the agency group next week. should be interesting. it was always my favorite agency when i was a promoter. I've got two other part time jobs brewing... serving wine and a different coffee shop on the upper east side. My drivers license just came in the mail yesterday... im legit. i plan on publishing a book of short stories and i started laying the groundwork. an interesting opportunity just found it's way into my life and I think i'll be working with a band called house of fools. not sure where this road will lead... but the road leads to other roads... post comment

written in my stars [02 Apr 2009|12:42pm] Sun in Taurus, Moon in Pisces You were born with the Sun in Taurus and the Moon in Pisces. The synthesis of your character has resulted in a determined but retiring individual. There is more internal calm than your behavior indicates. Although you are firmly rooted at the core, your emotions have the upper hand in determining your actions, often at the expense of reason. Your gentleness often results in inaction. You appear irresolute and easily changeable, when in fact this may not be the case. Ascendant in Pisces, Neptune in the Tenth House At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Pisces was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Neptune is located in the tenth house. Usually, because of the dual nature of this sign, your experiences seem always to oscillate between two extremes. Emotionally, you may become confounded and perplexed when your soul is torn between opposite attractions. Your temperament is, nevertheless, kindly and able to appreciate the most subtle emotional experiences. You are inclined to introverted living - reserved and retiring. You would do well to gear your life to occupations where your creativeness can be expressed freely. Your life will be replete with flux and change, and yet this will not be a source of annoyance as you are most adaptable to situations. Essentially, you are expansive, guided by intuition and emotion, and falling very easily into elated or depressive moods. You have a natural ability to perceive from unknown sources where the mind does not intervene. Such an ability, unfortunately, is usually misunderstood or has little application in life. If you do become involved in art, however, there are very good prospects for success as a painter, musician, writer, or poet. Your sexual life will be highly varied and intense. When you fall in love, you feel as if the limitations of your personality are dissolving and you are receptive to everything that exists. You need a strong hand to protect you and lead you into the practical world. Generally, you have inclinations and tendencies for the following: professions dealing with occult matter or mediumships, religion, seafaring, acting, psychometry, clairvoyance, painting, poetry, mysticism, and espionage. The ruler of your life events, Neptune, here, is an indication that you may find it hard to determine definite goals in your life. Most of your effort will be expanding climbing the social ladder by obscure and mystical methods, and it might be difficult to obtain material success. Note: Neptune is technically near the end of house 9 and is therefore interpreted in house 10. Moon in the First House The Moon is in the first house. This position indicates that you are strongly influenced by your feelings and moods. Your awareness of yourself is influenced by your momentary feelings, and this perception is subject to rapid changes of mood and emotion. In time, you will learn to understand why you react as you do to various situations, and then you can begin to change your response patterns and take more control of your life. Others sense your lack of emotional self-sufficiency and tend to get involved in your personal affairs, even if you try to prevent it. You express your sensitivity through an emotional need to nurture and be nurtured by others. While you would like to have guidance and supervision concerning your goals and objectives, it would be better to achieve your aims independently so that you will not feel obligated to others. The advantage of this position lies in your ability to sense other people's needs and desires. In fact, you have a calming effect on people who are under stress, and this makes you ideally suited for working with the public. Note: The Moon is technically near the end of house 12 and is therefore interpreted in house 1. Moon Conjunct Ascendant The Moon conjunct the Ascendant shows that you have some emotional hangups. You want close, intimate contacts with others, but you tend to keep people at arm's length because you are afraid you will become obligated to them. You are a mass of contradictions - making demands on people but complaining when they do the same to you; expecting others to make overtures to you and withdrawing when they do. Although you are highly imaginative, you react to stimulating people in a generally negative and critical way. On the surface you are independent, but you yearn for a quieter role in which you can enjoy the comfort of knowing that someone really cares for you. This can only happen when you lower your defensive barriers and learn to compromise by meeting people halfway. Venus in the First House Venus is in the first house. This is a strong position for Venus, for it adds charm to your personality and gives you an amiable and pleasant disposition. You concentrate a great deal on your appearance and even if you are not especially beautiful or handsome, you have a quality of softness and friendliness, which endears you to many. You like to keep beauty and grace around you as much as possible. You have a strong affinity with nature and prefer the quiet life of the country to the plastic constructions of city life. It is likely that you grew up in an atmosphere of warmth and congeniality. Now it is easy for you to project these same feelings to family and friends, and others often count on you to restore peace in difficult situations. You have strong inclinations toward music, art and drama and you may wish to cultivate a form of artistic expression. You work very hard to get along with others, and you usually try to win arguments with diplomacy rather than force. You must learn to be self-assertive when necessary and to stand up for your own rights, forcefully if need be. Otherwise, people will not have much respect for you. Relationships are important to you, and you often go out of your way to initiate them. It is vital that your associations remain harmonious, because quarrels and disputes affect you adversely. Sun in the Second House The Sun was found in the second house at the time of your birth. This position makes financial matters - and the act of physical conquest and possession - the central motivation of your existence. It is virtually a necessity that you address yourself to gaining material security. The obligations of giving still exist for you as a real difficulty which you must learn to deal with. You should enjoy your own wealth and also instruct yourself in the art of giving. You wish to be respected in financial matters and like to be regarded as a person who is self- sufficient. There exists a great amount of faith in your abilities; you believe that no matter what happens, you will always endure financially. These influences of the Sun grant strong possibilities for success in life. Your weaknesses in money include a tendency to be very demonstrative, a desire for money because of the power it wields. As you reach mature age, the doors of opportunity will open for you through persons highly placed in government. Don't miss the chance. Mars Opposition Ascendant Mars opposition the Ascendant shows that you attract people who threaten you. You do not really have that much self-confidence; your aggressive actions are an attempt to convince yourself that you do. Meeting others in competition is how you learn to assert yourself constructively, with greater self-control and discipline. Naturally argumentative, you are not the easiest person to get along with. You must learn to be more compromising if you want peace and harmony. Making concessions shows strength of character, not weakness, and if you realize this, you will be respected for your maturity. In personal relationships, your offensive tactics force you to raise your defenses when the going gets rough. But an attitude of superiority often masks feelings of inferiority or inadequacy. You have a lot of creative energy you should express. Remember, it is what you do rather than what you say you can do that is important. Develop more self-control, or you will run into many troublesome situations that could be extremely difficult to resolve. Saturn in the Seventh House Saturn was found in seventh house at the time of birth. In your dealings with others, you are going to present a very cautious personality and you will work slowly towards the achievement of security. The environment will be a very restricting factor in your life; the same limitations that hinder your relationships with others will emerge in a narrowness of reception to your ideas and emotions. This indicates that the key to more spiritual and material development lies in your response to the several tests destined for you which consist of patiently enduring difficulties through human relationships. You should remember that Saturn does not lend a propensity to be demonstrative in an emotional sense. It does, in those individuals with whom you will start a lifelong relationship, give a sense of duty and stability of emotions. Yet you are going to experience some sorrow throughout your life in a relationship. This is mostly going to consist of the several limitations that this state is imposing upon your personal freedom. The key to a better integration of your existence lies in the ability to view these obstacles and binds with philosophical resignation. 1 comment|post comment

everything bagel... with cream cheese... please [23 Mar 2009|09:55am] [ music | i can't stop partying.... ] for some reason... i always think that going somewhere is the answer to my problems... sometimes it can really kick you into gear, motivate you, shake your world up and be the best thing you can do for yourself. However... that's not always the case. I'm reminded of something they used to say in Mississippi... "NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO... THERE YOU ARE." It's true. I keep thinking that moving to New York was going to turn me into Woody Allen or Bob Dylan... Even worse would be if I transformed into both of them simultaneously... I can't even imagine Bob Dylan and Woody Allen having a baby? It would be such a little neurotic jew baby... oh wait... I wish I was Jewish... then I would be one of the chosen ones... I could cash in on that "free ticket to heaven." Instead, I was raised Catholic and you actually need some sort of faith to secure your salvation. Major bummer... I guess it's all just the luck of the draw... Judaism is the only religion that in order to be a member... your mothers vagina actually needs to be Jewish... Sure... you can convert... but it's not the same... and they don't really recognize you as a Jew... Another SWEET thing about being Jewish.... AUTOMATICALLY... You can get a passport and citizenship to the country of Israel. How amazing is that... No nonsense... free of charge... if your mothers vagina was Jewish... You get dual citizenship back home to the "motherland." My mothers vagina was Italian... apparently that doesn't get you too much. My whole life growing up... whenever I was in Sunday school... I was always looking for some type of "loophole to heaven." My teachers were amazed that I had such an interest in being saved... all while doing as little work as possible. I checked every avenue... "last rights" "confession" "holy water" and found no sure shot to heaven. but... i could live my life however i wanted and then at the very last second... while i was laying on my death bed... all I had to do was "repent" and "confess" that I was a worthless piece of shit... and i'd be good as gold. I liked this... but still... what if you get hit by a bus or some shit... you can't plan on being in a position to be able to "make good" at the last minute. then... i stumbled upon it... Catholics have this magic necklace called a scapular... this magic necklace... if you are wearing it... when you die... automatically gets you a ticket to heaven... this was exactly what I had been searching for... Where do I get one? How much is it? This magic necklace must cost thousands of dollars... I was wrong... they're easily attainable... and relatively cheap... considering if can secure your place in GOD'S KINGDOM. i questioned my sunday school teacher for weeks on end... until finally she said... "michael... if you are wearing the scapular just to get a "free ticket to heaven" then you won't get into heaven." this was so bogus.... like bogey ogey ogey... super bogey... double bogey... if the purpose of the scapular was that the wearer would go to heaven... yet if I was wearing it for that purpose... it somehow cancels it out... what type of bizarre trick are the catholics trying to play on you. of course im going to wear it for that purpose... that's what the thing is for... then again... what if i take it off to shower and i slip and hit my head? i mean... the poor guy has been wearing this magic necklace for 52 years... he takes it off to shower and then he dies in the shower... is there some type of insurance policy to cover you? is GOD a shrewd business man? perhaps I didn't read the fine print before I signed up for this life? did any of us pay close attention to the fine print? "soul redemption only valid at participating religions... some additional conditions and restrictions may apply... no purchase necessary... must be present to win... cash value 1/1000 of a cent.... unauthorized duplication or reproduction is punishable under law and violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent. No refunds or exchanges, all sales are final... Visa and Mastercard preferred... Sorry no Discover or American Express cards are being accepted at this current time. $25 Non sufficient funds fee added to "bad check writers." $35 application fee must be paid up front and CASH ONLY. Financing options available for those who qualify. Patent pending... all rights reserved... sometimes I think being an atheist is the easy way out... then again... I would never think for a second that there is no GOD... What if GOD was one of us? What if GOD was one of us? Actually... I think he is... I'm pretty sure I saw him in Union Square 3 days ago... I should have stopped to talk to him but he looked like he was in a hurry. Then again... we're all in a hurry these days... even the LORD has got shit to do... he can't be taking time out of his schedule to bum a cigarette to the old muzz man... walking around... drinking hot apple cider... watching the non stop parade of delusion... i've come to the realization... that I have now become a part of the parade of delusion. Maybe I have always been in the parade but never thought about it until now. Anyone... living in NYC, without a job and without any direction is surely either delusional or on vacation. I don't want to be on vacation... Yet... that's what it feels like. I'm going to get a New York drivers license tomorrow... surely that will make me a resident and not a tourist... maybe make me feel like I live here... I've got a job interview today @ 4:00... I shaved my beard and am feeling a spiritual rebirth. My stocks are not making money... but the day is still young... actually... as soon as I can make a quick sale and ride out this storm... im done fucking with the fucking stock market... fucking shit man... Actually... im convinced that the stock market is GOD's way of totally screwing with my head. NO MATTER WHAT I DO... the market does the opposite... I feel like George Costanza when he decides to do the opposite of whatever his instinct is. I should tell everyone what stocks im going to buy... then.... just do the complete opposite of whatever I did and the whole world will profit... no joke... currently the only stock I own is GOE..... as soon as I sell it... IM SURE IT WILL GO BACK UP TO $100. It'll only go up after I sell it of course... so if you want to make a quick "g" just wait for me blunder.... Recycling in New York blows my mind. Basically... you throw your bottles and cans away in your normal trash... you don't separate them... THEN... you throw the trash bags out on the street... THEN... some homeless dude who really needs some extra cash will go through your trash and take the bottles and cans... it's pretty genius... NY is one of those states where there's a deposit on bottles and cans... so you can get like 10-15 cents per bottle... Bottles are like gold for homeless dudes... Maybe that could be my job... I'll just start digging through everyone's trash and picking out the bottles... It's great not recycling and watching them score bottles when they dig through your trash... It's kind of like donating to the homeless... except... not really... I guess if I really wanted to be cool... I'd separate the bottles and cans in advance and then just give the pure gold straight to the homeless dudes... But where is the fun in that? I mean... you've got to work a little bit right? It also takes the fun out of the "hunt." If everyone gave the homeless dudes hundreds of bottles everyday... then they'd get lazy... or lazier... man... homeless... i'm on my way... unless i can have some type of stock market miracle... ill be digging through your trash in no time. I would appreciate it.... if you could set aside some bottles and cans for me... Don't get me wrong.. I'll still dig through your trash... But it would be a nice gesture... Actually.. I take that back... I don't need your fucking charity... I'll rummage through your trash right alongside the other homeless guys... I'll work hard for the money. Another great thing is how much free shit is just on the side of the street. People get rid of dressers, tables, chairs, lamps, speakers, and pretty much everything you can find. What do they do with it? They just throw it on the street and in about ten minutes it's gone. Pretty much like that Seinfeld where Kramer guards the armoire that elaine found on the side of the street. Then some "street toughs" beat him up and took it... something like that... I saw two killer bar stools outside our building... I ran upstairs to show Donnie and when we came back down... two girls were picking them up and taking them... Just like that... The other bummer is when you see something amazing on the street and it's nowhere near where you live... Then it's a struggle to figure out if it's worth it lugging it all the way back to your place... However... you can come up on some really sweet stuff. There's also a lot of shocking "junk" on the street... But if you're homeless it's still a score. Well... as I'm sitting here... in the archive... basically a coffee shop that's right around the corner from where I'm staying... They just offered me a few shifts... So I guess the day is looking up. Donnie has been struggling with a gorgeous female employee whom nobody can really stand. She's breathtakingly beautiful but Donnie wants to fire her. I'm not excited about someone getting fired... But I am excited about making some money and having a job... I've also got an interview at 4:00 pm... So who knows? The best part is... the only thing I know about coffee is that I really love drinking it. I have no idea what a latte, cappuccino, mocha or any of that stuff is... Donnie told me not to worry and they're going to train me tomorrow. People have been recording... not me of course... because I've been bogey ogey ogey... hopefully soon... They have all the gear that you could need... post comment

ny girls... ponzi schemes... madoff look alikes... [22 Mar 2009|08:05pm] [ music | i can't stop partying... ] how about this one? have you ever been invited to a party? a crazy party... a party where you really don't know what to expect and you don't know anyone at the party.... yet you never stop to think... how did i get here? who invited me here? it's kind of like that talking heads song... "and then you ask yourself.... how did I get here?" you know the song... "this is not my beautiful house... this is not my beautiful wife.... letting the days go by..." yea... that song... so... so there was this girl... there it is again... so many stories start with "so there was this girl." matt reveles knows what i'm talking about. you meet someone at the party... an attractive girl... who is very interested in what you have to say and are all about... she just so happens to live in the apartment where the party is... so she invites you into her room... just to show you around... everyone in new york sleeps in the smallest spaces you can imagine... they all get pretty creative about how they "use their space." every inch of every room is pretty much utilized TO THE MAX... it's just the way it is out here... so anyways... this girl invites you to her room.... as soon as you get into the room... the first thing you notice is an exercise bike in the corner of her room. then after a few minutes of conversation... you realize that there is a framed picture of her on the wall... not only is it a superbly framed piece of artwork... it's a giant picture of her... NAKED... not only is she naked... but there are super imposed dilods over her nipples... this is not to be mistaken for a picture with dildos taped or glued over her nipples.... this was a digitally altered poster... of her naked... with super imposed dildos over her nipples.... SHOCKING... then... after another couple minutes... you realize that the "exercise bike" in the corner of her room... IS NOT AN EXERCISE BIKE... well... I guess it's still an exercise bike... but there has been one major modification to the bike... THE SEAT HAS BEEN REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH A DILDO... yes... a freaking dildo... NO SEAT... this bike was a work out in more than one way. SO... both of these factors combined can actually... physically... melt your brain. Then you proceed to ask the girl "do you use that bike...?" she answers with "i'm... not answering that." anytime someone answers a question with "i'm not answering that." it pretty much means yes. if the answer was no... then she would have just flat out said... NO... am i in some kind of bizarre alternate universe? is this really happening? are all the girls in new york completely out of their minds? the answer is... yes... I told my Brazilian friend Ana that I got a Brazilian wax... she got all excited... then I told her that I chickened out on getting my balls waxed... I just couldn't handle it... But jeeeeez... I got the rest of it done... gimmie a freaking break... when I told her that I chickened out... she got dissapointed and said "this is a shame." I said... "what do you mean a shame... I got the rest done?" She said (in a cute brazilian accent) "you don't know how good it is... to suck on a mans balls... who just got them waxed." Meanwhile... I'm thinking.... Wow... Am I in some kind of alternate universe? This actually happened... it's shocking to even think about... girls in new york are freaking crazy... I attribute some of it to the television show SEX AND THE CITY... every girl has seen that show... every girl loves that show... i don't know too much about it but I know that it's made sleeping with guys OK.... it's programmed women's brains to think that it's OK to sleep around... some guys couldn't be happier about the SEX AND THE CITY REVOLUTION... I'm not even sure why the girls in New York are so crazy... but they absolutely are... I'm sure that's not the only reason these girls are insane... but they absolutely are... ACTUALLY... I went on a FIRST date with a girl just the other day... This was a girl that I met in a coffee shop... a friend of my friends... this was not a completely random chick... this girl should have been normal... I met her at a bar for a "first date" and by the end of the conversation... she had asked me if anyone has ever licked my asshole... AM I IN SOME KIND OF BIZARRE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE... BECAUSE THIS IS HOW THESE GIRLS ARE... I'm not even making it up... I'm completely shocked... I mean come on... the dildo bicycle girl... GIMMIE A FREAKING BREAK... that's comedy... yet... it's the norm out here... it's shocking... don't get me wrong.. there's a part of me that loves it... I mean jeeez... these chicks are extremely forward and are on a whole different level... I've been constantly seeing Madoff lookalikes since i've been in NYC. I'm not sure what to think of it... except that a lot of people in New York look like Bernie Madoff. I think it's funny that they refer to it as a "ponzi scheme." I was thinking the other day... what the fuck does "ponzi scheme" even mean? where did it come from? there must have been some dude named ponzi that screwed a whole bunch of people out of money... then I thought... naaa... maybe ponzi is a technical term of some sort... in actuality.. there was a dude named Charles Ponzi... he was the first dude to basically rip people out of loads of cash.. ever since... anything similar has been referred to as a ponzi scheme. I guess we all could take a page out of Charles Ponzi's book... he went from rags to riches in six months and lived it up for as long as he could. That reminds me... I forgot to buy my lottery tickets... major bummer... every time you forget to play the lottery... you're almost too afraid to log in and look at the winning numbers... it's like playing with fire... because if you see your numbers come up... you'll probably jump off the tallest building you can find. man.... that sucks... i totally wanted to play the lottery today... chances are that i would have won... oh well.. i guess ill have to win next week... I could use the payday but not as much as other people in the world. I already made a deal with the universe... when I win the lottery... everyone wins the lottery and I'll distribute the money to loads of people. I'll help everyone that I can... That's just the irony of it... some ponzi scheme fucker will probably win. I guess only time will tell. Do you know what a Hasidic Jew is? I have seen them before... But I never really took the time to learn about them. It's funny because most cities that I have been to... you don't really see too many Hasidic Jews walking around. Yet... in New York... there are loads of them... more here than I have seen anywhere else. They all look the exact same. I mean... really similar. It's like they all shop at the same store... go to the same barber... same eye glasses... the women all look the same too... it's shocking... it's a super orthodox and old school way of practicing a form of Judaism. they don't even talk on the phone, on the weekends... praying morning and night... the hair in their face... apparently... there is some type of biblical commandment that forbids the shaving of the hair on the side of the face... Matisyahu is a Hasidic Jew... some look like this... or like this... Dude... they're all over New York... they even own the building that I'm currently living in. That's right. they all want to make a quick buck... Kind of like Fat Joe... except these people are actually Jewish... Not just a Fatty-Jew-Bastard. I can't blame him... he's got mouths to feed... But he has always been a Fatty-Jew-Bastard... Even before he had mouths to feed... So it makes me wonder... Then again... Charles Ponzi was an Italian... Fatty is an Italian... I'm Italian... I guess we're all just looking for a scheme to the next toll booth. It's the Italian in us. I seriously want to know where these Hasidic Jews are all getting the same clothes and haircuts. There must be one Jewish barber in town that's making a killing off of all these guys. So the guy across the hall hasn't paid his rent in like 3 months... The Hasidic Jew landlord broke into the guys apartment and stole a bunch of stuff. The guy proceeded to call the Police and file a report that his place was broken into... Then the maintenance guy confessed to the Cops that the Hasidic Jew owner was the one who broke into his place... All this commotion arose in the hallway... There are a number of shocking things about this... #1) How can a God loving, religious individual... break into a guys place and steal some crap... and I'm talking crap... a pair of speakers, an old Dell laptop from 1996... and a couple paintings... #2) It was a Sabbath day... that Hasidic Jew shouldn't have been "working" in the first place... He probably should have been off praying somewhere... #3) The landlord didn't have his phone on.... and won't take calls on Sabbath days... so he doesn't even know the maintenance dude ratted him out and the Cops are on their way over to his place... Shocking stuff... I passed the guy in the hall and he sounded like a Russian... He said "You know how to change lock?" He was putting a new lock on his door so the landlord couldn't break in again... I got him a flat head screwdriver... He said in a Russian accent... "This fucking bullshit... You want to kick me out... Go court and kick me out... Don't take my fucking speakers." It was great... I helped him change his lock... it was the least I could do... Then again.. I guess that's what you deal with when you don't pay your rent... Weird shit... Donnie had the day off yesterday and we both had some errands to run. We both went into the city together. I sold some stock and made a small profit on Friday. I bought the stock for $55 and sold for $62.. whatever... I needed some money. Passing through Union Square... there is pretty much always a farmers market... some type of commerce... people selling hot apple cider, fruit, plants, vegetables, spices and loads of stuff.... I spotted a killer house plant for $18.00 I bought it and was thoroughly pleased with the transaction. This was a huge house plant and exactly what our money corner needed back at the apartment. We walked down to the subway terminal and some guy came up to us. He looked at Donnie and said "hey... do you work at the archive?" They started talking... this, that and the other thing... he said he was a musician and was playing a show... He said he played folk music... We got to talking and he eventually he offered me half of his set. He said he got 30 minutes and I could play for fifteen. this was like the nicest thing in the world. I didn't even know what to say.... Considering... I've been living with Donnie for almost 3 weeks and his band has played multiple shows... he's never offered me to play a few songs... now this random dude on the subway said I could eat up half of his set... I totally went for it and told him I was super thankful. I was super thankful. The psychic told me some stuff like this was going to happen and it would be good for me. Once again... it all comes back to the psychic... We swapped numbers and went our separate ways. The guy lived right around the corner from us. The plant was placed in the money corner and I did some magic spells to bring it to life... Hopefully all of us will soon be rolling in some extra cash. Feng Shui has never done me wrong... The plant looks amazing... in fact... all the new plants i bought look awesome in the apartment. I changed my guitar strings and thought about what songs I'd be playing at this show... Finally, an excuse to get on stage and mess around. I've been itching since I got here. There are some amazing open mics that I have read about but I haven't gone to a single one. All I need to do is meet the right person... Psych... his name is Sam Means and I've known him for about 14 years... But that's another story... If I could just meet one like minded individual in NYC... I would be happy.... Someone to collaborate with on songs, ideas, whatever... I got the info from the dude on the venue, etc... I was meeting him outside the subway @ the morgan stop... around 6:45 pm... I waited outside for him... he was late but I didn't care... I was just happy that I met someone cool enough to share their set with me and motivate me to get on stage and play some music. We met up and got on the subway. We talked music for the ride uptown to 89th street. It seemed he had a very limited exposure to "tunes" due to the fact he was brought up southern baptist in the south. He was from Georgia and his parents were extremely religious... He didn't really have a solid foundation... I had never heard him play and I didn't judge... maybe he was amazing... I didn't know... I just know that he had never really heard many beatles records, dylan, rolling stones, kinks, or anything like that... We got off the train and walked a few blocks to the club. It was called the underscore... I guess it was called that because it was located under another bar... So it was under something... or something like that... anyways... this wasn't an open mic... but it wasn't much different. Apparently... there are a million bars in NYC... they all book like 5 bands a night... and just "wing it." The good news is... if you're a musician and want to play every night of the week... there is somewhere to play... that's for sure... the bad news is... it's pretty much a joke... We got down to the venue... set up our stuff, ordered some drinks and took a seat at the bar. We were talking about life, music, art and the meaning of our existences. I had invited a girl to come see me play and she was supposed to arrive around the time I was going to be playing. You know those conversations when you're not really listening to what the other person is saying... I mean... you're listening... but you're kind of on a different level and in a different zone while they are talking... You're in this zone... until they say something totally shocking and off the wall that you're attention is immediately directed at them... mainly because they just took you by shock. This dude said "me and this guy were dating." In the middle of him telling a story... he just busted out with "then this dude that I was dating." That was all my brain had to hear before I started coming to some major realizations. First off... In asking me to "split a set".... this dude really pretty much asked me out on a date... Second off... this dude was gay... Did he realize that I absolutely am not gay? I LOVE WOMEN... MAN OH MAN... DO I LOVE WOMEN... Lucky for me... I invited a girl down to the show... right on time... she walked in the door and sat down next to me... This pretty much saved the day... I left with the chick after I played some songs... It went really well... I'm actually pleased with how everything turned out... I mean... all things considered... considering I got asked out by a gay dude and I didn't even know it... It's not my fault... Donnie didn't know either... maybe both of our gay-dars are broken because we couldn't detect anything gay about this guy... Bottom line.. I played a couple songs and it felt great... If anything.. it makes me want to really get into it... I went to the grocery store and bought some celery, peanut butter, and raisins... I started putting it all together... making one of Americas greatest treasures... good old ants on a log... remember ants on a log? who doesn't... cut up some celery... smear globs of peanut butter all over it... and dab a few raisins on it... you've got a real treat... a good old... red, white and blue treat... Donnie and I were pigging out and Ana walked in the door... She looked at the celery and peanut butter and in a cute Brazilian accent said "this is gross." She had never tried it... she had never heard of ants on a log. It's totally an American thing... I made her try it... regardless of whether or not she thought it was gross.... she's in our country... she might as well. Just the same as every 7 year old child... who tries this for the first time... she loved it... How can you not... something about peanut butter and celery... it's enough to make even the most evil men... smile and remember their childhood. Just to get it off my chest and out of my head.... I have no idea what I'm doing in life... Why am I here? Why am I on this planet? I'm planning on driving a taxi in new york city... I'm sure it'll be a blast... even if it's only for a little while... I got so many stories from driving a taxi in phoenix.... I can only imagine the stories I'll get out of driving a cab in NYC. For some reason.. I can't stop thinking about Mississippi... I need to get my head together... It's so hard to get your head together in New York City... However... It's really easy to party and have the time of your life... in fact... I can't stop partying... partying... I can't stop partying... partying... I gotta have petrone... I gotta have the E... I gotta have a lotta pretty girls around me... Oh I can't stop... Partying.. partying.. I can't stop.. parting... partying... I gotta have the cars... I gotta have the jewelz... If you was me honey... you would do it too...... P.S.... please download the Rivers Cuomo song called "I can't stop partying... it's pretty addicting and i've been listening to it for days... it's pretty hilarious... but for some reason... it's been an underlying theme... post comment

wax on... wax ouch [19 Mar 2009|06:04pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | walk on the wild side... lou reed ] First off... for some reason i can't get "walk on the wild side" by Lou Reed out of my head. It's been like 3 days now. Has anyone ever heard of a Brazilian wax? Everyone has heard of a Brazilian wax but I've never really stopped to think... "What's a Brazilian wax?" Apparently in Brazil the bikinis are basically like dental floss that you can wear to the beach. There's also apparently plenty of nude beaches... Anyway... the Brazilian wax is basically removing all the hair from the general area of your ass and genitalia... including your asshole... don't forget about the asshole... ha ha... hence the name... brazilian wax... because of their bikinis, blah, blah, blah.... well over time... Brazilian waxes have not been exclusive to Brazilian women... but LOADS of girls get them these days... FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. obviously there are a number of reasons why someone would get a Brazilian wax. I don't care who it is... there isn't a straight guy on this Earth who doesn't get completely stoaked when his chick tells him she just got a brazilian wax... FACT... if someone dares to prove that theory wrong... that person is gay... and even the gay dudes are pumped when their boyfriends get one... whatever... i guess there are still some women out there who don't get them... but i've done some research and the numbers are STAGGERING. Chicks totally get these all the time... how am i just finding this out now? am i really that clueless? apparently I am... and apparently i'm not alone. Hair removal? hair removal... say it with me.... hair removal? What an insane concept when you break it down. Why am I removing hair? Perhaps because it's unsightly.... Why do I think it's unsightly? At what point did body hair become unattractive? I don't know... BUT I GUESS SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE... SOMEONE SHAVED SOMETHING... AND SOMEONE WAS PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT IT... I guess it must have caught on or something.... After doing some more research... I found that more and more men have been getting Brazilian waxes throughout the years. Weird right? A man... GETTING HOT WAX APPLIED TO HIS ASSHOLE AND THEN HAVING SOME ASIAN CHICK RIP THE HAIR OUT..... BY THE ROOT MIND YOU... BY THE FUCKING ROOT... Some of the initial craze was fueled by gay dudes... and for obvious reason... if there's someone who knows his way around an asshole... it's certainly a gay dude... ha ha.... BUT NOT ONLY GAY DUDES... straight dudes.... straight dudes? for what reason? well, probably first and foremost because their chicks are SUPER STOAKED ON IT... probably second if they go to the gym, sweat or concerned with the overall cleanliness of their asshole. This also goes back to my original point of.... a man will do just about anything for a woman... including getting a Brazilian wax.... It's not just your asshole either... it's the whole sheeee-bang... taint, balls, pubic hair... YOU ARE HAIRLESS... AND WHEN I SAY HAIRLESS... I MEAN HAIRLESS... LIKE WITHOUT HAIR.... YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ROOT OF A HAIR.... I can see the cleanliness factor and I can see chicks being stoaked on it... it sounds like something out of a lou reed song but it's true.... NOW.... Nobody talked me into it... nobody persuaded me... It was certainly my own doing... just like how curiosity killed the cat... it can be a dangerous thing... but how can you not be curious? Aren't we all just a little curious... even more curious if you've been hanging out with a Brazilian chick who has been feeding you all this nonsense? Well... unbeknown to her... I found myself a little asian joint in midtown and found out the hard way. It was a legit place... Nice, clean... apparently you need a license to rip out ass hair... Like... you need to go to school to learn how to rip an ass hair... Does anyone else find it interesting that you can study how to wax an asshole? I find it mind blowing... anyways... Oki was my "hair removing chick." I know they have a technical name.. they must have a technical name... you don't pay for $10,000 in schooling and not get a professional job title. She asked me what I was interested in waxing... I told her that I wanted a Brazilian.... It wasn't very expensive... yet... it was truly an experience. I was really concerned about the INTENSE pain associated with RIPPING YOUR HAIRS OUT BY THE ROOT. I asked the nice asian woman "is this going to hurt?" She said "you never had wax before?" I said "no." She told me that she was going to apply a little bit to my arm and I could see for myself. I thought this was perfect... Put a little on my arm and then I can actually decide if I can actually go through with this. She got out a tongue depressor and applied a small amount of hot wax to my forearm. Then in a few seconds it dried and she peeled it off in one shot. THIS DID NOT HURT. It was like a band aid. No big deal... I can handle this... Well.... I was in for a treat... This was not what you might think... There is a difference between your arm and the hair around your genitals..... BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE. I don't even know why she thought I could make an intelligent decision based on a 1x1 inch area on my forearm.... WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE THE AMOUNT OF PAIN ASSOCIATED WITH A BRAZILIAN WAX. Especially the first time you get one. Maybe it's easier for women.. I don't know... But this was some scary shit... I've been tattooed and this was probably worse. I give credit to women for being able to do this all the time. Here's what I'm saying... forget about water boarding... forget about modern day torture techniques... If you want a terrorist to talk... pour hot wax on his asshole... and then rip the hair out by the root... He'll talk for sure... In fact... he would probably talk before the hair was even ripped off... just in fear of how it could possibly feel. Anyways... actually... the hot wax actually feels pretty great... it's just the ripping it off that can make you weep like a small child. If the whole process was just her applying hot wax all over my private parts... that'd be the greatest thing ever... but unfortunately what goes up must come down... the wax that's applied... must be removed... and can I say... MOTHERFUCKING OUCH... to say the least... like wow... like wow... seriously... they should use this as a punishment for small crimes. At one point in time... during massive amounts of excruciating pain... I had an interesting thought... I thought to myself... "Is this why you came to New York?" You moved out here, bought a one way ticket... and this is what you are doing... you don't have a job... nothing on the horizon... and now some Chinese woman is waxing your genitals... i mean.. don't get me wrong... she's qualified... she went to school for waxing private parts... she got a degree in some kind of waxology... at least I didn't get a black market wax job off the streets from some hack... i was questioning what I was doing in new york? currently I was in excruciating pain, naked on a table and being waxed by a 150 year old asian woman. the psychic told me that i was going to have a major revelation in new york. she told me that i would finally get some direction and know what i wanted to do with my life. i've been waiting for a sign since I got here. i'm not saying this was the sign but i realize that what i am doing is living life. that's what life is about... it's about living life... documenting it.. trying new things... constantly learning... like being in an endless state of arriving but never really getting anywhere... so yes... this was why I came to new york... ultimately this is how I would love to spend the rest of my life... just live... learn and hopefully inspire thoughts and people around me. it's the impact you make on others... every time you put a smile on someone else's face... every time you make someone think... every time you make someone laugh... or every time someone questions their existence and wonders about the footprints they are leaving behind. if i can make a living doing this... i'll be happy... i mean come on... talk about a dream job.. hunter s. thompson... john lennon... da vinci... benjamin franklin... plato... mozart... or anyone that has done something great... doesn't everyone have the desire inside them to do something great... not to say what they're doing isn't great already... maybe they're a great mother, father, dry cleaner, cabinet maker, or whatever... that's all well and good... you don't need to be famous to inspire people... everyone makes an impact on others... at least on some level... i feel myself getting back into the mindset that I had while I was in Mississippi... life is about living... get out there and live it... what did you do today that was different than what you did yesterday.. or any day for that matter... that's one of the reasons i love new york... whatever someone is doing today... it's different than what they were doing six months ago... it's so fast paced that you have to keep up somehow... that's what i hate about arizona... 9 times out of 10... everyone is doing the same thing they were doing the last time you spoke to them... it's just so easy in phoenix... people living with their parents... saving up for a car... going to the same bars... doing the same old shit.. i hate the same old shit... i lived with my parents... i know how easy it can be out there... then again... even if you live on your own... rent is so cheap... service industry jobs are on every corner... it's pretty hard to go bust in phoenix... you can always drive a cab and make a quick "g" a week... i mean... if you are hard up for some cold hard cash... A part of me wants to go somewhere else... a part of me wants to go back to the delta... they miss me in mississippi... they tell me all the time... besides... the shack up inn and the plantation farm is one of the most magical places that I have ever been to. It's also a great place to do some serious writing. I've contemplated buying an amtrak train ticket. It takes over two days to get their on a train... I've always wanted to ride a train across the country... I've never done it... It looks and sounds amazing though... there's a bar car, lounge, dining car and all this rad stuff on the train... you can also get your own room... with a bed, bathroom, shower, etc... plus... i'm sure you meet awesome people on a train... it would be like a darjeeling limited... it would be more fun with 3 or 4 of my best friends... but still bound to be a good time... actually I hope someone sees eye to eye with me and follows suit... let's have an adventure... save a few thousand bucks and just go with the flow... the flow will take you somewhere... it always does... and when you get there... it'll all make sense... at least mississippi made sense right from the start... this new york thing is only beginning to make a little sense.. and even though it doesn't make sense... that's ok... i've went on loads of dates with "interesting" girls... i've met rad people... i'm close to getting a job... i've got a place to live... granted... it's just a 3 foot by 4 foot cave... but what do you really need? when you're in a rad city.... you don't spend too much time at home... on another note... there is something really sexy about a chinese woman applying hot wax around your crotch... but for some reason.. there was absolutely nothing sexual about this situation... this was not a strikingly beautiful woman in a romantic and relaxing environment. this was an older chinese woman who had probably seen more assholes than most doctors. you would think that this whole ordeal would be a sexual and soothing experience... not quite, my friend... not quite... im glad that i no longer have any hair... anywhere... im not sure how long it will last for... hopefully forever, because i'm not looking forward to going through that again... it feels cleaner... and i like it in some weird way... it also sounds different when you fart... not better, not worse... just different... Two days ago I got a call on my cell phone from a 1500 capacity "soon to be open" concert venue in New Jersey. They saw my resume posted online and contacted me. It sounded super legit and they acknowledged that I am certainly qualified to help them in many ways. Always been... always will be... jack of all trades... yet... master of none... it's still great having a jack of all trades around. he can do many things... a little of everything... it's like that weird guy in the final fantasy games... or any role playing game... that weird guy who doesn't really do too much, he doesn't fight, he can't do spells, but for some reason whenever you get into a jam... he can do some stupid shit and really save the day. he doesn't save you every day... but he can save you. like... maybe he can pick a lock or hypnotize a guard... some stupid shit... that really helps you out... anyways.... the job in new jersey was really far... it was like 2 subways, 1 path train and a bus... totally far... yet... still seemed like a really promising position and totally right up my alley. As soon as the guy called me I could tell what kind of person he was.... everyone that I've dealt with in the music business always has a certain tone in which they speak... it's hard to explain... but every agent, promoter, and manager speaks the same language... it's quick, to the point, bossy and makes you want to kill yourself... i hope i never spoke this way in the past. but i know for a fact that I have and i'm afraid i still do... you can't not talk their language when you deal with them everyday. All I'm saying is that I knew this guy's type. We hung up the phone and it was a good conversation. I was expected to meet with him the following day in New Jersey. He said that he'd give me a call in the morning to finalize the details. I also had an interview at a coffee shop in midtown... I couldn't go to both... why would I go to the coffee shop interview when this 1,500 seat venue is calling ME because they like the way my resume looks... The next morning my phone was blowing up at 7:30 am. It was Joe from the venue in New Jersey... It was a weird interaction... as soon as I said hello... he said "mike... ok this is what you're going to do... you meet me in Jersey at 11:00 am... if everything goes well, i'll take you to meet the owners... if it doesn't go well... then i'm sorry you made the trip out here"... it was super weird... I went along with it... mostly because I know his type... This meant that I had to leave around 9:00 to make sure that I would be there by 11:00. I made an egg sandwich... an awesome egg sandwich nonetheless. I sat around thinking about this whole thing... muzzman... what are you doing? is this really what you want to do? you want to commute two hours to new jersey to interview at this venue? what happens when you get the job? is this why you came to new york? truthfully... I know that I would have gotten the job and they'd have loved me... But... I don't want to get sucked back into that whole world... I would rather work in a coffee shop, play open mic nights and continue writing. I don't want to give all of my time and life to a venue.. I've already been down that road. I called the guy back and canceled. I told him that I was thankful he gave me a call and I hope our paths cross one day... but I wasn't going to be able to make it out there. He reacted just like the textbooks say... he was extremely short... tried to make me feel like it was my loss and not his... and hung up the phone. that's how it works... it's a bummer but somethings never change. However, I did decide to go to the interview at the coffee shop in midtown. Both times that I have been there the place was packed. It's a restaurant and they need servers... There was at least half a dozen people turning in resumes and interviewing for the position. The economy is so bad that everyone wants a job. Even the people that already have a job, want another job. It also doesn't help when you live in one of the most expensive cities in our country. Then again... you always get what you pay for. I couldn't help but think about how I blew off a job that was right up my alley and probably paid great... in exchange for potential job in a coffee shop.... there was nobody else interviewing for the talent buyer/venue manager position in new jersey... i was sitting in the coffee shop looking at every type of person you can imagine... the older middle eastern guy, the young club girl, middle aged asian woman... long haired hippy guy... everyone wanted this job... my interview with the owner went well.. he was a typical new yorker... to the max... he really took to me.. he dug that i just up and moved to new york without a real plan... he was a cool guy. I told him that once upon a time I worked at an applebees and a mexican food restaurant... i don't think he doubted my ability at serving food... the conversation ended with him saying "stick with me kid... i'll see if I can help you out." I know it doesn't sound like much but I really feel like this guy is going to give me a job... I started walking back to the subway... I made the decision that I'm going to become a new york city taxi driver. Regardless of the coffee shop... I'm going to drive a taxi. I'm not sure how well I will do... I'm going to use my GPS... there are so many one way streets here that it can drive you insane... ALSO... you can't make a right turn on red... anywhere in new york city.... so just get used to it... NO RIGHT ON RED ANYWHERE... I'm pretty much counting on the fact that people are going to be stoaked that their cab driver isn't some Somalian weirdo that won't stop talking on his cockroach bluetooth headset. Considering... every taxi driver basically fits that general description... when people get in and see me... i'm hoping they cut me a break... especially since I have no idea where I am going... hopefully they can help me out... hopefully I can get a better understanding of the area, shortcuts and outlying areas. I plan on staying in the union square, NYU, washington square, central park area... hopefully I can avoid any riff raff... I didn't experience too much riff raff in arizona when I drove a taxi but sometimes it's unavoidable. Today, I was in the area and I stopped in the coffee shop that I applied the other day. I sat at the bar and ordered a cup of soup. The owner remembered me and said hello. I looked him in the eye and said "I swear I won't let you down, I'm great with people and I'd love to work here." He said "I told ya kid... stick with me and I'll call you in a week." On another note... my soup was great... I paid my bill and left.... As soon as my license shows up in the mail... I'm going to get my NY driver license, taxi permit and I'm hitting the streets... No better way to learn a new city than driving a taxi... that's a fact... tee hee hee... I can't wait... then again... maybe it'll suck... who knows... hopefully it'll be awesome... at the least... i have to get a few good stories out of it... it's so funny that a few people that I idolize have all driven a taxi at some point in their lives... Bill Graham and Larry David are two of them. I hope I get some good stories... I mean... wow... I have a ton of stories and experiences from driving one in phoenix... I can't even imagine. post comment

weirdest thing she's done in bed [16 Mar 2009|06:56pm] [ music | i cant stop partying by rivers cuomo ] wow... so there's this girl... how many stories do you have that start with "so there was this girl?" any guy who has done some serious dating has a load of them... if we all had a dollar every time we started a story with "so there was this girl," we would all be rich... or at least be able to buy a few high dollar electronic devices. first off... internet dating... that's a whole different can of worms... yet such a bizarre-o world of desperation and disillusion. i'm proud to say that i have officially dipped my toe in the pool of meeting someone online. match.com? eharmony? .... myspace even? NO... good old craigslist... wow... craigslist is so genius.. need a place to stay? need a job? need goods or services? the "free" section is amazing... free beds, free dirt, free kittens... just random "free" shit.. you'd be surprised what people are willing to give away for free... fish tanks, organs, whatever... perhaps you're looking to meet someone of the same or opposite sex... either for the purpose of sex or maybe you're just some girl who likes to get free drinks and food at a desperate mans expense. there's a lot of this.. i can tell... but you can't blame them.. if i was a chick... i'd make a post, find a tolerable guy and be eating, drinking, free of charge... six nights a week. maybe you're a creepy weird guy who's clinging to the last possible way at finding "true love." believe it or not... some people actually think they're going to find their soul mate in a craigslist post. maybe you're just too lazy to leave the house... or... if you're me... then it's all of the above... i found a girl over the internet... on craigslist and we met at a bar for some drinks... the odd part was that she was very pretty... super normal... intelligent... successful... and currently employed individual. i didn't know what to expect... maybe she was missing a limb.. or something was digitally altered from the picture she sent me online. missing some teeth? webbed feet? who knows.... but she was totally normal and we had a great conversation.. i would even go as far to say that we "hit it off." she was vegan to the MAX... almost in that annoying way that some people can be vegan. you know what im talking about. still a rad girl... anyways... went and got some crazy vegan type cake after we left the bar. remember... it's rad that bars are open until 4:00 am. it can be dangerous but it's super smart. bars everywhere should be open until 4:00 am... it's more business for the bar... the people who work in the bar... the taxes that are paid to the city... and all around better for business.. a lot of drinks are made in those extra 2 hours. we walked back to the subway and went our separate ways. i was still somewhat in shock that i met someone off the internet and she appeared to be completely normal. here's where things start to get a little gnarly. the following day she called me and asked if I wanted to meet up at some crazy vegetarian restaurant way the hell up in harlem. i needed a shower and couldn't make it in time.. i also just made a killer greek salad and some dank ass cron ball pasta. i told her that i'd take a shower and if she was still down to meet up then i'd head out there. blah blah... i called her back and she said "im just getting back to my place... im walking through the door"... this signaled to me that "oh well... it's not meant to be... let's meet up some other time." she says.. "or if you want... you can just come over here... you're welcome to stay or whatever." INTERESTING... very... very INTERESTING... more like "well... well... well... what the fuck do we have here.." wink wink... casey baum. i told her that i was still down to hang out and i got directions... i headed out and caught the L to the 1 to 137th street... yea... it was a hike but i got lucky and didn't have to wait for either train... not that i would have had to wait longer than 10 minutes... NYC subways come every 10 mintues... 24 hours a day... 365 days a year... during morning and afternoon rush hours they come every two minutes... amazing... I got to her place and it was really nice. she only had one roommate and i introduced myself. two people... big place... share one bathroom.. $800 each... pretty sweet deal... i didnt realize it until later... but her roommate was deaf... this explained so much... i didn't pick up on it... he was deaf... yet watching seinfeld with no captions? how could i know he was deaf? immediately we went into her room and started talking. she put some music on and turned me onto a few cool websites and modern day folk singers. the door to her room was wide open and about 20 minutes into our conversation she just randomly took her shirt off... keep in mind.. we're not making out or anything.. we're talking and she's showing me a few music blogs that i should "check out." she looked at me and said "aren't you a little overdressed?" i proceeded to take my shirt off and she posed an interesting question... she said "what's the weirdest thing you've ever done in bed?" i thought about it for a minute and i didn't really have an answer... the best sex that i've ever had was with a woman who was 12 years older than me... second to that would be a woman who was 8 years older than me... i've never done any of that gnarly crazy stuff... never dressed up or owned any sort of "leather" accessory. ha ha... leather... or like weird R Kelly type of stuff... if there's one thing i'm sure of... it's that i don't want any R Kelly-esq type of shit going on in the bedroom. I dodged the question and turned the tables on her... I said "well what about you, what's the weirdest thing you've ever done in bed?" i feel that by the expression on her face... she had a number of things that she could have told me and they all would have gotten a "WTF" or "SHOCKING" reaction. She told me that one time.... Her and a"guy friend" dressed up like MICKEY and MINNIE MOUSE before having sex. I'm not talking about a dime store, thrifty, discount, low rent costume... i mean the real deal.. to the max... white gloves and the whole sheeeeebang. she's tellimg me all this with a straight face and my mind cannot even process what is being said. it was almost like the mouse running on the wheel that powered my brain... was so out of it that he just stopped running. then she proceeded to tell me that they also talked in MICKEY AND MINNIE MOUSE VOICES the entire time. CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE... STARING AT THEM, KISSING THEM.... YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND REALIZE THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WEARING MAKEUP AND A FULL MINNIE MOUSE COSTUME.... AND THE FUCKING CHERRY ON TOP OF THE CAKE IS THAT BOTH OF YOU ARE TALKING IN "MOUSE LIKE ACCENTS." this was the second time I saw this woman... this was the conversation that she initiated. wow... new york women? internet women? both? im not sure but i do know that something was severely out of order. this was the same woman that had it so together in every other aspect of her life. great job, educated, funny, good taste in music and appeared so normal the night before. how could i possibly react to that story? what do you say when you're on a date with someone you barely know and they tell you that they've fucked role playing as mickey and minnie mouse (accented voices nonetheless). this proves my theory... if a man wants sex... he will do just about anything to get the job done. it's something about being a guy... if you want it bad enough and some girl makes a bizarro request... then you'll go along with it... they had some time and put some planning into this mickey mouse thing... which makes it even weirder... but my friend donnie was with a girl the other night and she asked him to jerk off on her chest... it't not the weirdest request... but he hesitated and didn't jump at the chance... the chick freaked out.. told him to leave, threw a spice rack through the front doorway and into the street. he left... came home... got into bed... was ready to fall asleep and then the nut job sent him a text message saying "im sorry.. please come back." WHAT DID HE DO? the same thing that any guy would have done... HE WENT BACK... we're really a crazy specimen... that's how our brains work... after a truly odd and bizarre situation... involving throwing a spice rack... and an off the wall sexual request... you still go back... for what reason? who knows? he goes back... it just proves it.. men will do anything for sex... it's like that meatloaf song "i would do anything for love... but i won't do that..." anyone who has ever heard the song has to have asked themselves... "what is this dude talking about?" won't do what? my whole life... every single time that i have heard that song... i always wondered what the hell meatloaf was talking about... NOW I FINALLY KNOW... whatever it is that he won't do for "love" is some bizarro sexual request that is even too much for my man... the meat... do you think his friends call him meat? is that rude... like if meatloaf was your buddy... do you always have to call him meatloaf... isn't that a bit formal... after a few years of friendship... i most certainly could be like "hey meat... wanna go grab some taco bell." or maybe i wouldn't even have to wait that long and right after we were introduced he'd say "it's cool... my friends call me meat." either way... i can relate to what my man "meat" is talking about. im not sure if i'll be seeing this girl again... LORD only knows... i'm somewhat intrigued in a weird way... weird sex and great walk a thin line... i know this much... im not doing the dirty in a fucking Pinocchio outfit... that's for sure. post comment

dime store philosophy... [15 Mar 2009|12:00pm] [ music | john lennon demos ] it's absurd to think that when you turn 18 years old that anyone can possibly know what they will be doing for the rest of their life... how can you possibly choose a career at 18 years of age... when i was 18 i thought i knew what i wanted to do for the rest of my life... i guess it's the opposite for most people... most people don't know when they're 18 and then by the time they turn 26... they have a much better idea... i knew what i wanted to do when i was 18 but now i have no idea... it's backwards... i mean... what do you do when you accomplish most of your dreams by the time you're 24... i don't want to have anything to do with the music business... but i recently have been sending my resume out for some NYC jobs and I realized that the whole fucking thing is ten years music business experience... it's like that old story of the guy who is a great fisherman... he has been fishing for many years, everyone in town knows he is a great fisherman... but all the guy wants to do is ski... he tells everyone that he's not going to fish anymore and decides to ski full time... everyone thinks he is fucking crazy... you're a great fisherman... quit this ski nonsense and go back to fishing. that's how i feel. do you do what you know you are good at? or should you follow your dreams and do what makes you happy? is it better to be great at something you are no longer interested in? or is it better to do what you love and know you aren't great at it? if anyone has an answer of insight to these questions please share it with the world... or at the least please clue me in. why is success measured by a bank account? why can't someone just live life to the fullest, work random jobs, fall in and out of love, go about their business and be considered successful in societies eyes? when someone asks you what you do for a living.... there's an automatic stigma attached to your role in society... whatever that role is.... "i'm a lawyer... i'm a doctor... i clean floors at a local high school... i serve assholes coffee all day... i drive a truck... i sell weed... whatever it is... there's a stench attached to it... good or bad... these days... i don't even know how to answer that question when it's asked to me... i remember how i used to answer it in the past... "i'm a concert promoter, i manage a band, i'm a tour manager, i own a store, i manage a venue, whatever..." there's a feeling associated with being proud of what you do... there's something "nice" about knowing that what you do is "cool" or "successful" in the eyes of others... now when people ask me that question... and if you meet new people... the question is always being asked... i've got nothing to say... SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE DONE IN THE PAST... ISN'T DOING SHIT RIGHT NOW. I love the past and am somewhat obsessed with "the good old days." But I have no role and serve no purpose in society... yea... i like to inspire people, i like to make people laugh, i like communication, making memories and an impact on the people around me... but i don't even have a fucking job... i went on an interview yesterday for a very very small coffee shop/venue but the job would be a work in progress... nobody has money to hire a muzzman. the sad thing is that i would be perfect for that place... i'm such a jack of all trades that the place would totally benefit from having me on board... is the guy going to shell out $500 a week to find that out... probably not... he was a french speaking man... he said "we communicate through the email.. and we figure out how to promote my shows in the night." i said sure thing buddy... whatever you say... at least i've went to a few interviews... but nothing has come together so far... everyone in new york has a job for a reason... it's impossible to survive without one... at least i made $576 in the stock market on thursday of last week... it's not a job but it's something. actually, it's a joke is what it is... it's fun but i'm so retarded for even fucking with it. when i arrived... this was the face that greeted me. i'm surprised he was even alive at 6:30 am or whatever time it was. i now officially am paying rent to share a cave in this place... it's pretty sweet actually... floor to ceiling windows... the roof is amazing... and then there's this guy... My roommates are cool... Zack and Tom are both in Donnie's band... They're called My Sister in 1994... They just played a show the other night... It was at a super sweet place... Actually... that reminds me... I should totally see if I can get a job there... I've really got to give credit to Donnie... He moved here just over a year and a half ago. He had never even been to New York City... The minute he stepped off the plane he took a train to Brooklyn and landed at a bar... He met a guy who gave him a job in a bar, joined his band and is still living here. He randomly ran into Monique at a Whole Foods who led him to the coffee shop that he is managing and tipped him off on the apartment that he is still living in. Such a random coincidence that you would travel to a city you've never been to and see someone from your hometown.... who actually turns out to be a key player in getting you established with a good job and residence. That's how the Universe works... when you roll the dice and take a chance... good things happen. You're rewarded for the efforts. Our other roommate is a beautiful Brazilian woman named Ana Carolina. Tee hee hee.... ever dated a bi sexual brazilian woman? yea... it's interesting... actually by interesting... i mean really fucking cool... She works at a fantastic brazilian restaurant and gets paid under the table. she isn't allowed to legally work in this country... Technically she could if we get "engaged." im not sure how that works. The weird part... We communicate just fine.... BUT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND JOKES. I played her a Mitch Hedberg album and she didn't even crack a smile. I realize that she always needs to stay super focused to understand what people are saying... and then to have to process the humor on top of it... I guess it's just too much. I'm really trying to get her to understand American humor but it's not working out too well. The other day I told her she was a big pimp... She said "WHAT IS THIS BIG PIMP?" I explained it to her... then we said something about making money but we said "making cheese." She said "WHAT IS THIS MAKING CHEESE... LIKE CHEESE TO EAT?" By the end of the conversation... in a cute brazilian accent she said "I GET IT... I AM BIG PIMP... MAKING THE CHEESE." tee hee hee..... To say the least... she's a load of fun and I've never spent any significant time with anyone from south america. Have you ever wanted to marry your friends mom and become your friends step dad? Weird question. It reminds me of that Bouncing Souls song "I like your mom and it's no fad... I wanna marry her and be your Dad." Donnie's mom has been in town for a few days and she is totally beautiful. Like seriously... mega beautiful. I keep telling Donnie and his Mom that we should get married so I can become Donnie's step dad... I know.. I'm super weird. Yesterday we went to a museum called the MET... It was ridiculously huge... massive.... there was art and artifacts from all over the world... Stuff dating back to 2,500 BC... It's a joke to think that our country is under 300 years old... It's amazing to think that Stella Artois has been around since 1366 and that beer is twice as old as our country... FACT... Stella beer was on Columbus ships when they landed in America... That's amazing to me... It's also amazing when you research shit like Brazil, Portugal and Greece.. Talk about OLD COUNTRIES... we're fucking infants compared to those countries... I really want to go to Egypt and India... 1 comment|post comment

people are strange... [14 Mar 2009|11:05am] people are crazy... the way they are constantly coming in and out of your life... i firmly believe it all happens for a reason... but sometimes it's hard to determine what the reason is... a couple days after new years eve... it was a friday night and i was driving my taxi... typical friday night... it was around 3:30 am and i was sitting in the frys grocery store parking lot on southern and mill ave. i was counting my money that i made and debating whether or not to call it a night... i decided that i was done working for the night and i started heading towards the US60 to get back to peoria. I saw a lunatic, insane looking woman on the corner of southern and mill waving her hands and totally freaking out. I rarely pick someone up off the street. 99.9% of all the calls I take in my taxi are on my computer screen. I have the persons address, full name, phone number, etc... This girl that was waving her arms like a nut job didn't look like she was homeless or any kind of threat. She looked like she was at a bar or a club and in one way or another her night had taken a turn for the worst... I pulled over and she got in. She was a little shorter than me, blonde hair, red jacket and totally out of sync with life. The first thing she said was "I need a cell phone, give me your cell phone, I need to use your cell phone." I gave her my phone and once she had it in her hand she said "what am I supposed to do with this, I don't have anyone's phone number memorized." I just started laughing but she didn't think her situation was very funny. Apparently... Or so the story goes... Emily went out to a club and met a couple of guys... She invited them back to her place to "blaze" and they stole some stuff from her house. She was feeling pretty retarded about the whole thing and was swearing up and down that this isn't typical behavior for her. These dudes stole some weed, pills, and alcohol. Emily was worried that they took her keys and were going to steal her truck. Her truck was on mill ave and her purse was in the vehicle. I drove her down to the truck... It was still there, the purse and everything else was still accounted for. She looks over at me and gives me a real bizarre look.... She started her truck and was about to leave... there are a number of things wrong with this situation... #1 She had yet to pay me for the ride in my taxi... #2 She was wasted and shouldn't be driving... #3 She was totally flirting with me and telling me that I should come back to her place and smoke with her. I yelled to her before she had a chance to leave and someone on a bicycle that resembled a cop was riding by... This must have set off some kind of trigger in her head because she locked her truck and got back in my taxi... The whole ride back to her place.. She was rubbing my arm and making bizarre sexual comments like "have you ever seen indecent proposal?" "How much do I need to pay you to spend the night with me?" Obviously she didn't know me... because I love women and it's hard finding a woman that I won't spend the night with... I guess that's a whole different thing... We got back to her place... She lived on the corner of southern and mill, right around where I picked her up. We went into her apartment and she loaded a bowl... She was pretty hammered and turned on some music. She was playing ridiculous music... at an absurd volume.... around 4:00 am... I kept trying to turn it down but she kept telling me "this is my house and ill do what I want." I had come to find out that she was a nurse and was 34 years old... Not only do I love women... But I REALLY love older women. We had great conversation about life, philosophy and following your dreams. She was like me... She had done a lot of traveling and spent quite a bit of time in Greece. I had a one way ticket booked for New York City on January 13th... She had a ticket for Greece that she was booking the next day. Long story short... my ticket to NYC was canceled and she never finalized her ticket for Greece. I spent the night with her but not in "that" way. For some reason, I really actually genuinely liked her... When I actually see any glimpse of a potential future with a woman... I DON'T have sex. Random sex is bullshit anyways... I guess it took me 26 years to figure it out... There needs to be some kind of meaning behind it... However, random sex with someone that you used to date or used to have great sex with... IS AWESOME.... I took Emily back to her truck the next morning... She wrote me a check for $100... This covered the taxi fiasco from the night before... That whole next day I couldn't help but think about her... My mind could not focus on working... I just wanted to see her again. I called her that following evening and I went over there and hung out with her. TO SUM IT ALL UP FROM THE NIGHT THAT I MET HER... I SPENT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE FOR JUST UNDER 6 WEEKS. That's how I am... I'm zero to sixty in like 1 second. There is no second or third gear. We were inseparable. I introduced her to my family, got wasted and was running around yelling "im gonna marry this woman." Unfortunately the whole time I was living with her... I wasn't driving my taxi and wasn't making money. I started messing with the stock market... started losing money.... I finally wrapped up my bankruptcy... Remember when you used to play Monopoly as a kid? When you ran out of money, the only thing to do would be to flip your houses over and start selling shit.... well that was me to say the least. honestly, bankruptcy was surprisingly easy and I found it amazing that I could write off all my bad choices and debt so easily. You can only do it once every seven years... so I guess you need to spread them out... ha ha ha.... IF THOSE DUDES DIDN'T STEAL EMILY'S WEED AND OTHER STUFF... I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET HER. This to me is an insane twist of fate. The chain reaction of meeting those guys, getting robbed and her running out on the street to try and find a taxi is all very bizarre. Also, the fact that I was sitting across the street..... it's all too funny.... very "meant to be." Emily and I never fought until one morning she broke up with me kicked me to the curb. it was the night after will anderson's birthday party at the yucca tap room. this also was a very bizarre night because at one point in time will got "titty fucked" on stage with a dildo and this was the first impression being made on my girlfriend Emily.... before we got to yucca... I totally was talking will up... "he's my old partner from the concert promotion business, he's one of the best people with one of the biggest hearts that the world has ever seen. Then you walk in and he's on the stage with his shirt off and Dennis (ex sam the butcher) is rubbing a GIGANTIC dildo all over his chest. The next morning she broke up with me... I didn't know why, I thought maybe because of the night before... she stole my cell phone while I was sleeping and read through old emails that I wrote girls... she read through some old text messages... and some not so old text messages... i was faithful to my girlfriend but sure... im a flirt... and some of it could have been taken the wrong way... Emily was not happy. This was the first time in my life that I've ever been "dumped." I'VE HAD A TON OF BREAK UPS BUT THIS WAS STRAIGHT UP GETTING DUMPED. I've never been straight up dumped before... it's not my favorite thing... it's totally what I deserve... I've yanked on so many heart strings... I got off easy... karma and payback can both be mother fucking bitches. I got back in my taxi and started working... a few days went by... I stayed with the means man for two nights... he pretended for five minutes that he would write a song with me.. but i'm used to that by now. it was hard getting emily out of my brain... i was so comfortable in the relationship with her... great chemistry and just existing with another person... cooking, cleaning, board games, living with someone can be beautiful and I guess that's one of things the relationship showed me. Emily also taught me a lot about how to treat a woman... I don't treat women like I should... it's the simple acts of chivalry. NOW.... here is where everything gets super weird... VALENTINES DAY... I wanted to stop by and see her. Some college kid gave me a super joint the night before while I was driving my taxi. I brought the joint and bought her some flowers. WE SMOKED AND THEN SHE DROPPED A NUCLEAR BOMB ON MY BRAIN. She told me that if she didn't find someone within two years... She wanted me to be a sperm donor because she wants to have a child. WOW... my brain was spun. She considered me the front runner for "fathering" her child... Then proceeded to tell me that I would have no financial obligations for the child... I wouldn't have to be around... She just wanted my sperm... She made it clear that it wouldn't just be me yanking it in a cup... We would conceive the child in the old fashioned way. WOW... Little did she know, I tape recorded the conversation on my cell phone and it's priceless... How could she consider fertilizing her egg with my sperm but dump me over some old emails and random text messages with ex-girlfriends. I left her apartment and went out to work... Honestly... driving a taxi is all about your mindset... it's similar to waiting tables... if your head is messed up... you aren't going to make any money... and you'll pretty much just be miserable. Well... I made no money... I couldn't stop thinking about what she said to me... I was miserable... I went back to her house and took the night off... This really sucked because it was valentines day, the all star game was in phoenix and i would have made $500 easily... I went back to her house... I believe I spent the night that night. Actually, I spent the night every night until March 3rd... March 3rd is when I went to New York. The day that she broke up with me I re-booked my ticket for NYC. I got a great deal... $120 one way... I had to put my head back the way it was... Before I met Emily... I was planning on moving to NYC and get my life back on track... When I was in Mississippi, life was great... I was inspired to write and live life to the fullest. Just when I was remembering who I was before I met her... she dropped this news on me... and twisted my brain in a knot. The weird part is... she would make a great mother and I'm not counting out the possibility of giving her what she wants. The day before I left for NYC... my mom went to a psychic... the psychic said "call your son, if he has sex today with this blonde haired woman... she will get pregnant and it will ruin his life." My mom called me immediately and told me... I thought it was pretty funny and I told emily... it was ironic because that was the day she was most fertile... and our friend the little egg had just showed up and apparently was waiting for some muzz sperm... needless to say we didn't "do it" again and I left for NYC the next day. The psychic said this NYC trip would be good for me... I'm supposed to get insight on my direction in life... What I am doing, where I am going... The psychic also said that I wouldn't be here too long... under two months... that's a major bummer. Everyone is in control of their own life... but I take clairvoyance somewhat seriously... I don't live my life by the stars... but to some degree... I do. My point is... all these characters that are passing in and out of our lives... who are they? where do they come from? and yet... we all are characters in each others dreams... I've come to realize that I am not a human being... I am not real... I am just a character in everyone's dream... im a creation of the rest of the world... we hit 6 out of 6 at casino arizona and won $1,500 playing keno... this was days before I left... pretty sweet... i sold my 1974 MG Midget... It was a super fun car... but totally cost me more money than it was worth... this was by far the smallest car that I have ever owned, driven, or even seen. It only held 6 gallons of gas... it was pretty economical... the insurance was like $50 a month... the tags were like $20 for two years... I love old cars... I don't ever want to drive a modern car... old cars have character and reflect our personalities. Wow... I totally forgot that I went on a cruise with Casey Shafer. I sold Casey my Daewoo for $1,750 and he had some extra rewards points on his choice hotels membership. We were staying at some comfort inn and we drank a bottle of whiskey... For some reason I looked for the "miracle" deal on kayak.com.... I found a 4 night mexican cruise for $189.00. That is absurdly cheap... You can't even get 4 nights in a decent hotel for $189.00. Also... once you are on the ship, all the meals are included... the only things that aren't included are alcohol, gambling and souvenirs. We got totally wasted and booked the cruise... It was totally spur of the moment... It was non refundable... I have so much to say about "cruising." Wow... I don't even know where to start... OK... how about this... what a giant shit show... there were 2,000 people on the cruise plus an additional 800 employees on the boat... 2,800 people crammed on this boat... Let me start by saying that I'm sure at one point in time... going on a cruise for for the upper echelon of society... I'm sure it used to be first class and five star.... Over the years... the amount of "discount" cruises and type of people who generally go.... are NOT first class... and are NOT upper echelon members of our society... Mainly.... The entire boat is filled with morbidly obese people who spend four days shoveling as much food as they possibly can, into their mouth. I'm not exaggerating... discount cruises consist mainly of fat, fat, fat, fat people... that want to eat, eat, eat, eat and just keep eating... Keep this in mind... on a cruise... it is completely ACCEPTABLE to ORDER ONE OF EVERYTHING ON THE MENU... THIS IS LIKE A FAT MANS HEAVEN... PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY LOOK THE WAITER SQUARE IN THE EYE... AND ORDER ONE OF EVERYTHING... Casey and myself did act in this manner... but we couldn't help but watch the non stop parade of delusion. Let me also start by saying... once we boarded the ship... we sat on the deck, ordered a drink and started making observations... The main thing that caught our eye was that we saw at least 100 people that looked exactly like Santa Claus. Large, fat men with long white beards and glasses... This was no coincidence... There had to be more to this than a random coincidence. We did some investigating. Mainly walking up to someone and saying "dude, what the fuck is up with all these Santa Claus look-a-likes?" Come to find out.... ALL THE SANTA CLAUS IN AMERICA ARE A PART OF A GIANT UNION... IF THE SANTAS DO NOT GET WHAT THEY WANT... YOU WON'T SPOT A SANTA IN A MALL OR ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY... IT'S PRETTY SHOCKING TO THINK THE SANTAS HAVE A GIANT UNION... There has been conflicts in the past where Christmas has been close to "canceled." Can you imagine if the news story was SANTAS STRIKE OVER UNION DIFFERENCES. It's December 12th and there's 300 Santas holding picket signs outside over every mall in america... Wow... what a shock fest... How do you explain to your 5 year old... "you can't tell santa what you want this year... at least not until the strike is over..." The Santa Union goes on a cruise every year after the christmas season. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? YES... THAT'S RIGHT... WE WERE ON THE SANTA CRUISE... LITERALLY... THE SANTAS CALL THE ANNUAL CRUISE... THE SANTA CRUISE.... wow! double wow!.... already this was looking like it was going to be an interesting 4 nights... We're on a boat with 300 Santas... Get this... as soon as the boat left... the santas got into costume... can you imagine spending 4 days on a boat with 2,800 people... thats like one out of every 8 people being a santa... ok .. ok... it wasn't that bad... but it was pretty bad... everywhere you looked... you saw a santa... honestly... im not complaining... stupid shit like this is what makes the experience... casey and i weren't on vacation... we weren't on a honeymoon or any type of getaway. we really were just messing around and stumbled on a cruise... also... it's pretty shocking to think that someone can file for bankruptcy and go on a cruise 6 days later... im definitely the only person who goes on a cruise six days after their bankruptcy is discharged... that's a whole different story. i have so much more to say about cruising... i have to stop writing and go into the city... it feels so good to be writing again... uggg... this is what i have been missing... i can't wait to get back here and continue... post comment

desolation row [10 Mar 2009|11:44am] [ music | always listening to dylan ] dude... i need a job... i saw a glimmer of hope on sunday afternoon.... i received an email from galapagos instructing me to come down sometime tuesday afternoon. this job would be absolutely perfect for me. this art space and venue looks amazing. i emailed them on friday and they got back to me on sunday... the coincidental part is that it's right across the street from where burry works... im getting ready to head down there now... getting the email from galapagos motivated me to get it together... i need a job asap... like seriously... money is dwindling out here and i certainly have not been very careful about my spending... sunday night i went to an amazing bar in the east village called banjo jims... little did i know.... levon helm's daughter was in the band... it was a crazy coincidence... the band was amazing... i've been buying drinks, eating out, eating in and burning cash like there ain't no tomorrow... my whole life I have had a philosophy that if you don't worry about money then you'll never have to... it's worked and never failed me... just spend it like it's going out of style and one way or another you'll trip over a pot of gold fall into more of it... im still in the mindset but it makes you think when you're in new york city and you don't have a job... i have a casting call today at 4:00... it's free... they take a picture of you and then i guess you magically get called when they have "extra" work... pays $100-$300 a day... we'll see what happens... i need a real job before i chase that pipe dream... i haven't touched my guitar since i've been out here but i've been surrounded with musicians who have all expressed an interest in playing... i also have a date tonight... im pretty excited about it... her name is nikki... she speaks 3 languages, she is double majoring in anthropology and photography... she's beautiful and we're going to some place called Art Bar... so i guess it's a pretty big day... job interview, casting call, and a date... speaking of dates.... donnie lives with an amazing woman from Brazil named Ana. It's been great learning about her culture and getting a close glimpse through the window of a foreigner's eyes... she works at an amazing Brazilian restaurant and is going to school for fashion design and english..... it's adorable hearing her speak broken english and mispronounce words and phrases... basically just leaving out pronouns. everything is like "we go" "we eat" "i try".... it's awesome... I took a look at the room down the hall... we'll it's not really a room... it's a cave... but it's not even really a cave... don't get me wrong... the price is right... $450 a month... it's a steal... there is virtually no privacy but i guess that's not my top priority right now... i would be living with musicians and that has huge potential in itself... the place was pretty dirty and is the definition of a "bachelor pad." i hung out with kat all day yesterday... she's on spring break and was in my neck of the woods... it was great seeing her again... we ate lunch at kates, went to the new york library, got a smoothie, and grabbed a drink. the new york library is MIND BLOWING. just standing outside makes you piss yourself... there are huge lions on both sides of the entrance. there is one library for reference and one normal "borrow book" library across the street. i can't wait to get a card... there's a giant media section... so many dvd's and cd's.... loads and loads of great stuff... i need a drivers license, id card or piece of mail before they'll give me a library card.. I really hope i get this job... im heading out right now... if that's the case then tonight is a night to celebrate... hey... at least my balls don't hurt as much as they were when i first got here... 1 comment|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]